To Our Baby Brother,
We have so much to put on this site but our hearts are too broken to think right now. We didn't want you to think we didn't care enough to write. So, here we try, through our tears.

Mommy and Daddy miss you so much. Mommy can't stop crying but you know that, don't you? Daddy worries us more. You know how he has always been the strong, silent rock. Well, he isn't holding up so well without you. Shin is a mess. A real mess. He went from being my husband and your big brother to this pool of sadness. I am not sure how I will ever get him out. My burden is carried in my tummy. All hope for us rests on this baby. God took one and left one. I am not sure how I feel about that yet but all we know is that we need YOU to wrap your arms around this baby and get him here safely. You are his personal guardian angel. Who better, right?

I look at this site all the time now since your friends made it yesterday. I will never be able to repay Melissa and Stephanie for this.

We miss you so much. Your friends....these poor boys. It breaks my heart to look at them. I keep waiting for you to show up beside them to yell at them for sharing their funniest "Sunil Moments". I see you in them and I am so grateful. What would we have done without them??

There is so much more to say but I am only allowed to cry so many times before the baby police come and yell at me. I PROMISE we will add more later.

Your Chechi and Shin

"Its something unpredictible, but in the end its right. I hope you had the time of your life."
That was the cd you handed to me as I graduated. But you made sure to tell me it was just the beginning. I found an old email that you wrote me. You told me that when I grew up I'd be a great mom and proud woman. I may have forgotten the email but I never forgot the words or your message. Even when the time passed and we didn't see each other often, you were always with me. No one, aside from my parents and sister, has ever expressed the pride and faith that you expressed in me. You made me begin realize what was inside of me and I live by the things we used to talk about. Now we will talk a whole lot more since I have you on my shoulder all the time. You can bet that I will be diving that great barrier reef next year if for no other reason than to honor you. I love you. and I miss you. You will always be my inspiration, you had been already.

Sunil was always so proud of me, in ways I was never told about, to people I never met; he knew what it was to truly celebrate other pepole, which is to do it without seeking anything in return. Everyone who met him was imprinted by his warmth and kindness.

Sunil, I hope this page is our way of returning the favor, just a little bit. Put in a good word for us up there, OK? If we knew you at all, you've already told half of Heaven all your friends' life stories, and they've already gotten a Sunil Hug. Lucky them. We'll miss you.

It has been so long since we first met and I started calling you that dreaded nickname, Funnel. No matter how much time had passed, you always greeted me with your undoubtedly contagious smile and infinitely open arms. My memories of the last time I saw you will be cherised forever - we were all futilely trying to quiet you, as you emphatically informed Josh's neighbors that our party was THE place to be. Now, ironically it's your silence that I curse. We always said how we should meet for lunch, since we worked in the same area...I'm sorry for all the "maybes" and "shouldas". Until we meet again, you will always be my Funnel. Cheers, old friend - you will be painfully missed.

i never had the privelage of meeting sunil but from what i've read and heard, he was a gift. i lost my one and only sister a little over a year ago at the age of 24 and the pain lives on. i hurt for all the friends and family. when you are finally able to get some sleep, i think you will find that seeing sunil in your dreams, talking and smiling with you, will be the times you most long for. those were the only moments where i was able to put my pain aside and just feel my sister's spirit talking to mine. you are all in my prayers.

Sunil,

I feel blessed to have had you in my life if only for a short time. Sadly, you had every gift but the gift of time. Your spirit and warmth will live on in the hearts of everyone who was fortunate to have known you. Your light was one that will never darken. May you rest in peace and smile down upon us.

Melissa/Stephanie,
I can't express how much this site means to me and the hundreds and thousands of people who I am sure will be on it very soon. Thank you so much. Love you both
josh

The last time I saw Sunil, we were in church doing our "soda science experiment", where I was the control group and he was the experimental, and it is a memory that is so silly but one that just depicts the fun loving nature Sunil has. Sunil is an amazing individual that bless our church. His special magnetic charm, and contagious smile will forever be implanted in all of our hearts.
Words can't even begin to explain the pain everyone is feeling and questioning why God always takes the good ones first...but the only thing that eases the pain a little is knowing that he is up in Heaven watching over all of us.
May you rest in peace, we will miss you forever...

Sunil,
It was just last week that I was sitting with you in San Fran and laughing at your jokes and witty sense of humor. It is hard for me to realize that our short time as friends on this earth has come to an end. For the past six years, I have truly enjoyed getting to know you for the stellar person that you are. You are one of the most genuine, down to earth, outgoing, passionate, and unique individuals I have ever come across.
Your passion for life and compassion that you have towards your loved ones will always be a point of inspiration to me. Sunil, I will always cherish my memories of you. Thank you for touching my life. I look forward to crossing paths with you again in eternity. I pray that you rest in peace.

When I think about Sunil, the first thing that comes to mind is the genuine smile he always wore that could light up any room. Whenever I saw him in church or out in NYC, he never forgot to ask how school was going or inquire about friends or family. His sense of humor and passion for life will forever be missed. Sunil, although you have left this world you will always remain in our hearts. This life you lived, filled with humility and grace will be an inspiration to me forever.

Sunil,

From the moment I first met you through Danny, you were a friend. The time was too short and the memories are too few. Your sense of humor and commitment to your friends will forever be on our minds. On this earth, your light was extinguished too quickly, but I am certain you are shining in heaven...

Sunil, you always had that knack for making me laugh. I'll always remember that.. and all your b-day parties. You made sure that i never missed one and I'm glad I didn't. I miss ya kid..
Vij

When I think about Sunil - I think about his smile and laughter, and how he was a "true" person - there was no facade to him. The times I did hang out with him, there were always jokes and good times. I am glad I have those times to remember him by. We'll miss you - Keep Smiling...

I had been looking forward to seeing you again, after I returned from my little trip here. But, sometimes people go. We had some interesting conversations - like our silly debates about 24! It was always good conversation. I am saddened by your departure. I will definitely miss you.

Sunil...thinking about him makes me smirk in spite of myself. His humor made you laugh aloud, his sarcasm made you chuckle. His wit, so sharp and quick, made your retorts sound even better than they really were. But his smile...just a glimpse of it and you felt it in your heart. It came from a brilliant light within that will not fade as long as his memory lives.

Hey Sunil,

I can't remember the last time we saw each other. Remember when you helped me prepare for the equity research position at JPMorgan? I was so appreciative of your time and insight. How about the time Stef, the girls and I were in South Beach and we ran into you at Mangos! We always had a great time with you. I feel very blessed to have been touched by your wonderful spirit... you will be missed dearly.

When I first heard the news I pulled over and broke down in tears, thinking of the good times we had in church growing up; that infectious smile that made church a brighter place to be when we were kids. I thank you for that! I always say that if I were to go knowing that I touched the life of one person in a positive way, it was all worth it....the life you lived touched so many, you did good my friend. You lived a complete life in such a short period of time. You've touched and inspired me, and for that I thank you! I will miss and cherish you forever, you will never be forgotten, I love you my friend, till I see you again.....jojo

It’s so hard to say goodbye. Sunil you were truly a special person whose smile always made others smile. You had an amazing way of making people feel cared about and somehow always made everyone laugh. Leaving’s not leaving because the memories you left behind will be cherished by all and the lives you’ve touched will never be the same. You will be missed and will be in our hearts forever. Goodbye isn’t really goodbye…

One of my first memories of Sunil was him hanging out of Nisse's fire escape teasing me with cheesecake. He was a rare individual, kind, caring and so very funny. Even though I was older than him, he always treated me like a little sister. My heart breaks for my friend, and for those he left back - his dear Nisse, Shinu and his parents. He was a wonderful person, a good friend and would have made a great uncle. One thing I have learned from all this is live your life! It is precious and should not be wasted and Sunil lived his to the fullest! I will miss you my friend...

with a phone call from a brother
my eyes began to shutter
my heart, please don’t stop
my mouth just drops!
Who?!?! WHO?!?!
Sunil!? SUNIL!?!?
where are you my friend?
why? is all I want to know!
the smiles we shared...
the tears I just can’t bear!
with your understanding I shall not fear!
sum up a lifetime...HA!
you’ve lived more than most!
With this J.D. and coke in hand (S.D. and diet for you my friend) I raise up a toast...
DAMN...I can’t keep thinking this is a hoax!
to me its St. Patty’s no more...as St. Sunil has arrived...and this ain’t no jive!
and if you don’t know ... now you know nigga!

We had the privilege of meeting Sunil here in Dallas for Terry & Joyce's wedding and he was indeed a bright light in this world. We remember him for being a very down to earth guy and we all enjoyed his never-ending smile and laughter and his out-going personality that was very unique. God does indeed take the great ones of this world, our prayers and thoughts are with his family and friends. We will all meet again my friend!!

With Love,
Doys & Nilam Kurian

There are no words to say, and too many tears left to cry. It's taken me a while to put something here, but I look at this website at least 10 times a day. To see what people have written about you & hear the wonderful stories they shared with you makes me even prouder to have had you as my loyal & best friend. Your laughter, your smile, that goofy grin when you stick your tongue out...when I think of one thing I'll miss about you, 20 other things pop up. Surprise birthday parties, Cops & Convicts, the Farewell NYC Tour, Softball in Central Park, Stay, Brother Jimmy's & rib sauce, Ben & Jerry Bowls, Viansa, Discovering new restaurants, Slip & Slide, Eskimo's, Walk the Line, Sitting in Union Square, the Bonfire Beach Party, Game Night with J&J, Boulevard & Gramercy Tavern, Norah Jones, Online Upwords, Pastrami Sandwiches & Pool (I'm gonna beat you at all 3 games when I get up there!), and so much more. There are a lifetime of memories, and these are just my own. You have made so many unique memories with every person who has met you, and you have carved a place in all of our hearts. It has been my greatest honor, and I will forever be indebted to God for having placed you in my life. You were a light in my life that will never go away. You were a gift given to all of us that was never ours to keep. All I ask is that you are at peace and laughing that beautiful laugh up in heaven. Until we see each other again - I love you with all of my heart, and will miss you for the rest of my life. Ciao Bella - Sunila!

Sunil,
It has been difficult coming to terms with what has happened over the past week - but at the same time it has been a real testament to the profound impact & blessing you've been on the lives of everyone you encountered.

I always enjoyed our talks b/c somehow you always managed to make me laugh or smile =) Whether it be about something serious like relationships or our careers to something as silly as me and my friends being part of an "anti-soda drinking cult" & "madame curie's soda science experiment" in church last time I saw you.

Your genuine care for others and fun-loving nature will truly be missed. May the fun memories & the positive impact you had on all of us be eternal... with love & prayers ~ Lincy

Sunil- what can i say...these have been the toughest days of my life...for you to be taken away from us is so cruel...i keep waking up every morning hoping its just a bad dream...i might have never said this to you sunil, but i considered you as my other little brother...so all that joking and teasing I did was what older brothers do...i just hope i can be half the person you were sunil....when beena and i have our child, i'll make sure they know their other uncle...and don't worry about shin & niss's kid...he's got plenty of uncles to look after him...we'll let him now what a great person you were..Brookside Drive will never be the same...until we meet again bro

I don't know how to write this. Do I write this as a letter to Sunil? Do I write this as a tribute to him? Do I just spend the next 20 minutes just making fun of him? Will he somehow still be able to flick my ear if I do make fun of him? Why did I lose one of the pillars in my life? Why do I feel like this pain will never end? What did he/we do to deserve this?

I'm tired of everybody telling me he is in a better place. I was always the selfish one, and I want him here with me in this world. We had so much to do. When my brother told me Beena was pregnant, the first thing I thought was...Holy Sh!t, Josh, Sunil and I will all be first time uncles in the same year. It just seemed all too perfect. Lest life is not perfect and now this child will never get to have a relationship with Sunil.

It is weird not having you around. I was putting together a list of people to help out for your funeral. As I was going through all of the "usual" names, I thought for a second, hey wait a second...how come Sunil isn't on this list??? That is when it hit me and I realized that you were not going to be around anymore.

I can go on and on about your wit, your knowledge, your smile, etc. However, those are all things everybody know about you. I'm here to tell about the guy that stood by me no matter if I was right or wrong. The kid who introduced me to people when I first moved into Pine Tree Elementary. The kid who I used play Death Match with over your parent's jacuzzi. The kid who was the fastest walker to the bus stop I have ever seen. I swear you had freakishly long legs to make those strides. The kid who spoke to the cops when I was in the back of police car when I got caught trying to buy beer in high school.

About four years ago, I accepted a project at work that required me to move out to San Diego for an extended period of time. Though the location was perfect the project was not. My job was to learn a trading application that was developed and run in San Diego and move it to New Jersey. Needless to say, I was viewed as the grim reaper and nobody would talk to me at work. So I was disliked at work, and then I would come home and just mope around because I didn't know a single person in southern California. Sunil was scheduled to come out to S.D. to hang out with Danny Sheth and myself. As soon, as I told him about my hard time at work. He extended his stay just so I had someone to talk to when I got home. It was just a small thing, but pretty much personified who Sunil Varghese was.

We always counsled each other on sooo many life issues. Whether it was girls, school, life, etc. Sunil was always there to guide me and show me what was right. He was soooo much better than me at soooo many different things but he never looked down on me!!! Even when I was going through a big thing in my life last October, it was Sunil who would call and email every day to check on me.

In spite of all of the exemplary things Sunil stood for and did, I am going to miss the little things. Hearing him say DOH! like Homer Simpson when he did something dumb, feeling frightened every time he got behind the wheel, hearing him make these moans and groans when he was eating some good food, watching him attempt to throw a softball to home plate and see it float towards 3rd base, watch as he wraps that napkin about his "Sunil and Diet Coke", and of course the smile every time he saw me.

I wish I had more time with you my friend. We had sooo much more to accomplish. I promise to watch out for your parents. I do promise that I will keep going and doing the things you would want me to do.

Dearest Sunil:

I remember the days when you were a little boy. A little pesky brother with all the other little brothers I have at St. Thomas, Yonkers. I have never thought of you just as Nisse's Little Brother. You were mine too. I have watched you grow from an awkward boy to a handsome man. Believe me I have the pictures. Remember the large silver square rimmed glasses. I promise not to post too many of those pictures.
I was so proud of you and all your accomplishments. I am glad I have somewhere to tell you that. I wish had told you before.
I hear your laughter and commentary in my head. I hear, "Niss....."followed by a classic statement or sometimes just "NISS." I see your smile. I feel your love for your friends and family.
Church will be difficult.All those times I was away for a long time and felt a little lost.It was good to see your smiling face along with those other beautiful smiles, Prasanth, Pradeep, Mano, Jaimon, Josh..all you boys.You made feel like I was home again.I know you are there though. Upstairs in the balcony.You are there with all those I love.My Dad is there with you.You both laughing up a storm. Probably arguing about the Mets and Yankees.
So little time in this world.
On Wednesday, I was playing this song (on repeat) in my car.Blasting it at times. U2 of course.The lyrics from Kite (All that you can't leave behind),"Who's to say where the wind will take you.Who's to know what it is will break you. I don't know which way the wind will blow. Who's to know when the time has come around.Don't wanna see you cry. I know that this is not goodbye"
Certainly this is not goodbye. I will remember the lessons you have taught me(I read your letter.)I will definitely take chances.I will learn something new.I will travel more.I won't forget my dreams and will MAKE them come true. I love you Sunil. See you on other side.
Sindu

Sunil,

i can't find the strength to write much in here yet. Please know that I will never forget you my brother and that I am happy with the fact that we had come to the point in our lives where I believe we really knew how important we were to each other. I don't know how I will ever fill the void you are leaving in my life. More to come later

How do you become unfamiliar with the presence of someone who's been with you for almost three decades? I'll never know what that's like when it came to you Sunil. We've met and hung so many times but I never REALLY got a chance to know you. It was clear you were a happy-go-lucky guy, so you no longer being here puzzles me. The best explanation I can come up with is that you fulfilled your goals and graduated from our time early. I still don't get why the good die young. This week I met both of your parents, it was good to see the people so greatly responsible for who you became. You've given them a lot to be proud of. Your sister is about to be a mom for the first time and even though the child won't get to meet you, you've given her a blueprint of who the ideal son/daughter should strive be. Bince has told me a ton of stories about you, the hammer story when you, her and Josh broke the bed had me rolling! If I could take back one moment, it would be the last night you were out with everyone and asked for me. All I can do now is get to know who you were from all the funny stories I've been hearing. We'll all miss you man, I hope you're in a better place.

-Shel

Wow.. There no words to express how great of a person Sunil was..I looked up to him like an older brother. This guy was truly one of a kind, always trying to unite the younger group of kids in our church and urging them to join MGOCSM. I remember when we needed a banner for the B' ball tourny and my bro made it Sunil drove all the way down from Harriman just to check if everything was going well and even went with him to Kinkos to print it our.. Such a sincere person, was this great Sunil.
We deeply miss you Sunil. We really do.. and someday maybe we will have to honor to sit with you and with our God in whom you loved with all your heart.
The other day I was teaching the sunday school kids about guardian Angels and it hit me ... you are OURS. How ironic! Forever will you be in our prayers dude.
LOve you,LOTs

Sunil and I met in college. I feel bad we lost contact after. Thinking back to the college days, all I can do is smile....smile at the fact he was a great friend to everyone he came in contact with and at some of the shenanigans that we were part of, there will not be no other soul like him. You are missed and loved and I am sure you know it where you are. God Bless and we miss you

i only got to see sunil chachen maybe 1once in 2 years, twice if i got lucky, 3 times if God decided to bless me. Although we did not get to see each other too often, wheneveer we did meet, we had some wonderful memories. Too many to remember. I will always miss you and keep you in my heart forever. In my life ahead of me, i promise you that i will live a life that you would be proud of.I may even take off a few pounds, who knows. I remember how you used to call me and i would answer," hello, who is this." " Sunil Chachen," you replied "who is this?" "Jicky, " i said. " oh, is this the girl in the family ???" you would say. lol. I remember whenever you called, you would ask me how i was and how my grades were. When we meet again , and you ask me this question, i will say something that would make you proud. We have been through a lot together and i now realize what i didnt before. If it was not for you, i would not be half the man that i am right now, even though that i am not much. for this i want to say thank you. I never got to say this to you before and i want to say it now, THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING DEAR SUNIL CHACHEN. i love you and iu always will. I will never forget you. Last time that we were together we did not even get to talk more thank a simple hello and hows it going. Thank you for everything that you have taught me. i will always love you and cherish this.You were the greatest role model, cousin, and brother that anyone could ask for. You were like my guardian angel in life. You were not just a person, you were a blessing. Until we meet next time, "sheree, pine kanam"lol.

I'll never forget the time when Sunil, Josh Joseph, Ted Foung and I nearly got arrested in front of the old DSP frat house due to mistaken identity. Ahh yes, good times....

Sunil had a sharp wit and sense of humor far beyond his age, so it came as no surprise that we could engage in deep philosophical and intellectual discussions of any Simpsons episode. I'll always remember him.

I was not as fortunate as everyone here to have known you that well and although we only knew each other casually through Stephanie, I always knew that you were an incredibly special person simply because of the twinkle in Stephanie’s eyes every time she spoke of you. Your leaving us has deeply saddened and confused me and my prayers are with the loved ones you have left behind. I know that you were called because He truly needed you and you are doing something extraordinary and unimaginable somewhere, right now. The night of Stephanie’s birthday she said that you wanted to visit her when she’s abroad and go diving with her in the great barrier reef. I will try my absolute hardest to be there and hold her hand when she dives. Know that we’ll be doing so with your name across our hearts.

The sunflower is the most human like of the flowers because it has a very distinctive face. When you see the sunflower during the day you will see its face turn towards the energy of the sun as it makes its way across the sky. Just like a sunflower we all thrived off the energy that Sunil greeted us with each time we would see him. His smile and charisma radiated without fault everyday. I knew no matter what I could count on Sunil to make my day brighter.

Sunil was a friend that would love sitting down with you one on one and discuss about everything and anything. I remember going to the top of Bear Mountain one day and sitting out on the rocks looking out onto the Manhattan skyline in the distance and talking about how much our friends and family meant to us. I remember him saying how fortunate he is, to be blessed with the family and the friends that surrounded his life here and how he could never leave NY because of that. Well my friend you will never leave us. We will always hold onto you in our hearts, in our minds and in our daily lives.

To Sunil(chachan),
“Chachan” ever since I was little you would always have to emphasize that, and never would I want to call you that, now I keep thinking I will never have that chance again. You have always been so special in my heart, my cousin brother. You were perfect, never did I ever see any flaws in you, maybe that’s why God took you away from us.Even though I have 2 older brothers, I felt like you were the most overprotective out of all of them. U always wanted to know who I was with and what guys were bothering me. When I started pharmacy school, I remember you told my parents when they dropped me off “Rajuchayan and Susyamma, DON’T WORRY, I’ll take care of Trina when shes here.” That’s exactly what you did, you called me and see how I was doing, always a person I can count on. The last time I saw you, I still remember the morning of the wedding day that you would not get out of my bathroom when you knew I had to get ready and I kept on saying “man u think u look soo good, and u would say “I kno, I kno, I do look good!, I wish I could hear you say that one more time. Everytime, I came to NY you would take your time out and hang out with me, I will never forget my bday last year because you were the one that made it the best. Sunilchachan, I love you sooo much, I don’t know how I am going to deal with you being gone, but I do know that I am going to miss you soo much and that NOBODY can ever take your place. I LOVE U

To Sunil(chachan),
“Chachan” ever since I was little you would always have to emphasize that, and never would I want to call you that, now I keep thinking I will never have that chance again. You have always been so special in my heart, my cousin brother. You were perfect, never did I ever see any flaws in you, maybe that’s why God took you away from us.Even though I have 2 older brothers, I felt like you were the most overprotective out of all of them. U always wanted to know who I was with and what guys were bothering me. When I started pharmacy school, I remember you told my parents when they dropped me off “Rajuchayan and Susyamma, DON’T WORRY, I’ll take care of Trina when shes here.” That’s exactly what you did, you called me and see how I was doing, always a person I can count on. The last time I saw you, I still remember the morning of the wedding day that you would not get out of my bathroom when you knew I had to get ready and I kept on saying “man u think u look soo good, and u would say “I kno, I kno, I do look good!, I wish I could hear you say that one more time. Everytime, I came to NY you would take your time out and hang out with me, I will never forget my bday last year because you were the one that made it the best. Sunilchachan, I love you sooo much, I don’t know how I am going to deal with you being gone, but I do know that I am going to miss you soo much and that NOBODY can ever take your place. I LOVE U

It's crazy, because I can count on my two hands how many times I hung out with Sunil, but all the same my heart is broken at the loss of this wonderful person, maybe it is at the thought of no longer having the opportunity. I remember from the first time I had met him, he treated me like family simply because his good friend was my cousin. I left the country the day you passed, and found out a week later and the shock has yet to subside. Sunil was a person that I always admired and respected for his continuous smile and his ability to make anyone he met feel comfortable in his presence. Thank you Sunil, for always being an example of goodness and love. I only hope that I can achieve a small portion of your true love for life and people. Till we meet again.

For the family and friends of Sunil: I didn't know Sunil personally. I heard about this incident through my friend who is Sunil's cousin. When I checked out this link, saw the pictures and read the messages, my eyes filled up with tears. Anyone who has lost someone they love, especially suddenly can relate to the pain that all of you are feeling right now. God does everything for a reason even when we get so anger at what it is and things don't make sense, we continue to believe this and hopefully that can keep all of you strong. My prayers are with all of those who are suffering with this loss.

Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows?

They're making headlines.

-Sunil

Everytime I come back to this site, I see how you've touched more and more people with your smile, charisma, and charm. Everytime I come to this site, I can't seem to manage to leave it without a few tears in my eyes... must be the dust or something...(sigh). I dont understand the logic that God has in taking you away from us, your friends, your family, your unborn nephew. I'm gonna miss all the great times we've had going to see Harry Potter and making fun of Teena for reading the books when all we had to do was watch the movie to understand the plot. Or having those countless nights where we would all get together just to be together playing Uno or Phase Ten, or whatever else we could think of. O man... I can't bear to see your parents... anytime your mom sees any of us, it reminds her of you and her eyes always swell up on tears. On sunday your dad said how you always made him nothing but proud and that he never had a complaint about you...except now. He counted on you to carry out his last rites, but instead you made hime carry out yours... I dont know what to say anymore, and yet i feel like i've said nothing... so many times I came on this site thinking i would write one of these for you, but nothing sounded good enough, so i finally decided just to write on and on... I dont know what I'm gonna do without you. Who am i supposed to go to about my guy problems now, whos gonna come to my house and make sure i have everything i need before i go to college, and call me old man when its my birthday... i dunno... i just dont know anymore... all i know is that you were something special...someone special... and my hopes and prayers is to be half the man you are... I'll never stop loving you and you'll always be in my prayers... i'll do my best to be a good chachen to your nephew, and i'll always look out for your family... i hope you know how important you were to me... till we meet again big brother... =*(

Tinu,

You know I keep reading these posts, like you, and wonder why, try to rationalize...there is no rationalization right now. But a common thread throughout these posts points to "who will..." and I feel it to...who will I go to when I need to talk about something serious...who will come to my graduation ceremony...there are too many to count...

Then I realized that the new "WHO's" must be each other. Sunil did a lot for all of us and touched us in different ways. How else do we honor him but to pick up where he left off.

Something amazing that I keep thinking is that if we multiply the many many people we saw every day last week by their own support networks, can you imagine the ripple effect Sunil has had already. How much love and support for each other he has helped us show?

Even moreso, imagine the ripple effect within our own minds when in the last 10 days alone I'm sure it has crossed our minds to say "what would Sunil do here?"

So tinu, I'm with you on the rambling here, but I think you can understand what I mean - Sunil we will try to fill your many many roles...starting with your baby newphew and onward...and Tinu I'd be glad to help you organize your stuff for college (but I may need to send you elsewhere for the guy problems ;) )

Be strong he is smiling at you.

You build a lot of memories over the years and I am finding it impossible to summarize it in a few paragraphs. As I sit here and reflect over the past seven years I have known Sunil, I can’t help but smile and laugh to myself thinking about everything I have been through with him. I think everyone who knew Sunil has Sunil stories and it’s been great reading through them. Here is one of my favorite Sunil stories (and I have many!!):

Sunil was a huge movie buff and one his all time favorite DVD’s was CITY HALL. For some reason, he was addicted to this movie and told me he would watch parts of that movie every night. As much as he loved that movie, he let our friend Joel, who was one of my roommates, borrow the DVD and had been trying to get it back for some time.

Since we were only 2 weeks away from graduation, there were a group of us celebrating at Reservoir one night (seemed like we celebrated at Reservoir many nights our senior year). On our way back to the dorms it hits him all of a sudden that Joel still has his DVD. We both lived at 3rd North so Sunil decided that he would go and get his DVD back at that very moment. It must have been 3 or 4 in the morning when we walked into Joel’s room and Sunil starts shaking him asking him where his DVD was repeatedly. The poor guy was in such a deep state of sleep that he had no idea what Sunil was saying or what was happening. After a few minutes of stumbling in the dark trying to find his DVD, Sunil came out in the hallway with DVD in hand and says to me: Mission Complete!!

The next day, Joel sees Sunil and me on campus and says that he had a dream that Sunil was in his room last night but didn’t know why. After Joel leaves, Sunil turns to me and in his classic Sunil humor, starts laughing about what he did to the point where we both had tears in our eyes from laughing so hard.

I can still hear your laugh...

I'd like to tell you a story of twelve brothers. Some people don't believe it, but I know its true. Even though these brothers came from different mothers, God put it in their hearts to know that when they saw each other they would know they were brothers and nothing less. They grew up together causing trouble and when they grew up, they did the same:) God gave each one of these brothers a special talent. One became a banker, another a scholar, an athlete, one knew everything about computers, one was so kind he wouldn't even hurt a bee that just stung him, one was a hot tempered, but used that to get things done with flawless efficiency, one had the talent to make anyone at anytime smile and laugh. But one of these brothers, named Sunil, had ALL of these talents. No one knows if God blessed him with these or if he was so brilliant that he learned each of his brothers’ talents. After Sunil had mastered all of his brothers’ talents God came to him and asked if he would come home and help save the world from destroying itself, selflessly Sunil said “Yes Lord.” But Sunil had one request; he wanted to put on a show for all the angels to see. On opening night the sign read: Performing tonight – A voice sweeter than Frank Sinatra; A man funnier than Redd Foxx. SUNIL VARGHESE back up vocals performed by Biggie Smalls.
I’m not sure how this story ends, but I know it will be a beautiful day when these brothers are back together.

I e-mailed you the lyrics to this song a little over a month ago...Notting Hill, remember?! I had no idea you had a way with everyone in your life. I miss you.

You've got a way with me
Somehow you got me to believe
In everything that I could be
I've gotta say - you really got a way
You've got a way it seems
You gave me faith to find my dreams
You'll never know just what that means
Can't you see...you got a way with me

Sunil,
Riding to work this morning, i heard an Ad for Basic Instinct 2. About 14 years ago, we saw the first Basic Instinct with some of the boys. I won't embarrass you and post the full story of how you broke the chair in front of us.. but it was comical and made me chuckle this morning. We miss you buddy. We really miss you.

Sunil, it all still seems so unreal. It is hard to believe that you are really gone. You were my first play mate, and I can still remember laughing at everything you said, probably even before you talked in full sentences. I don't think I ever outgrew that. I remember when you had that obsession with Wonderwoman, which you later tried to rationalize. I remember all the games we used to play back then, like that weird one where you made us pull our socks half off, tie them together, and then try to walk around the house. I even remember our first day of nursery school. It felt like you had already made ten friends and were the teacher's pet, before I even had the courage to get out of the car. You were always so fearless and confident -I admired that so much about you, even then. I'm not sure if everyone knows how we got our start as ‘textbook models’ for a day, when our parents took us to pose for that elementary health book. I remember how you wowed the cameraman. Of course, the camera loved you, and you even got the coveted call back to be a hand model. I was so jealous when you got that close-up shot of your well-manicured hand holding pencils. I knew I could never compete (and I was the girl!), but it was probably the easiest twenty dollars you ever made. I will always remember that confident, easy way you had about you- so naturally intelligent, and funny, and comfortable with yourself.
I remember how any time I saw you, no matter how much time had passed, I was always excited to talk to you, even for a few minutes. I could always think back to something you said and smile. I don't think there were any times that we spoke, where I wasn't smiling or laughing. You really did have a unique way of making everyone feel happy when they were in your presence. I can still see you clearly in church, with your hands on your hips, saying "Good job" in that sarcastic way of yours. I even have some classic college emails that I've been reading through and I remembered how much fun it was to trade insults with you - I always looked forward to your witty comebacks. I have never met anyone with your sense of humor, and intellect. You were such a genuine person, and I am proud to have known you. You were truly larger than life. I know everyone will cherish the memories that they had with you, and I will truly miss you.

You say you were chosen for his garden
His preciously hand picked bouquet
"God really needed me,
that’s why I couldn't stay"

I was reading brief statements from fans of sunil, all I understand he was a special person his life was precious. I have only few hours’ memories of him that still alive in my heart, when he stop for a shopping at Bombay 9 years ago, along with his family on their way back to US. A lot more I heard from my wife sudha who is his cousin, she always tells me the fun they had on their vacation at kerala. No words can compare his charming. He will not be forgotten .
Renji

Dear Sunil,

I never told you this. But thank you. Thanks for all the talks and laughs about baseball. Thanks for all the taking shit and all the laughs. Thanks for all the memories.

I know you knew that my mom was in and out of the hospital. But that first year was especially hard. And those 2 hr drives to the hospital were especially lonely. Thanks for being a friend and making me laugh during my toughest times.

Until we see you again. Much love brotha.

Sunilchachan...i miss u

i remember when u came to dallas for terryachans wedding i didn't know u or i didnt remember. so u kept on picking on me and beating me up it want fun but i still got to know u better. the only memory i have with u is the at the Terrychachanz wedding. ill never forget it!!

i dont kno that much but i can still tell that ur a nice guy and care about ur family and friends. we care about u the same way

I MISS U!!!!!!!

"I'm doing whatever you are doing." Those were the words you said to me on Thursday night when we had an option of leaving or staying. I am so glad we chose to hang out for a little while longer. I only wish you were still doing what I am doing - living on. I still don't believe it. I was there for the services and I look at your prayer card and it all seems like a bad dream. I feel like I will wake up anyday now and get a text from you asking if I want to meet up. I regret all those times I didn't meet up with you because all I want to do now is talk to you and hang out with you. I thank god for having that one last night and I curse him for taking you. I made a pact with myself that Thursday night that you were too important of a friend to me and that I was going to make sure we hung out more - movies, dinners, just chilling in the Village. I wish I told you my plan. I was so looking forward to all the time I was going to make sure we spent together. And now you are gone and I'm left replaying every minute of Thursday night over and over. I can still see us dancing to Sean Paul. Almost each one of these entries has the word "amazing" and "special" in it - that's what you were and more. So many before me have done a great job detailing your wonderful characteristics so all I will say is that I loved you Sunil, you were one of my dearest friends and my life will never be the same. I miss you more than you know. I'll see you in my dreams.

My speech from Sunil's wake:

I stand before you with a heavy heart, not quite sure how I will be able to find the strength to finish my thoughts. What keeps my will going is what I have witnessed over the past few days among us, Sunil's family and friends. Never have I seen or will have the honor of being part of such a tight knit and close network. Our fortitude is amazing and Sunil would've been proud of us. The mourning process is a group effort. We are all on this emotional roller coaster, crying and laughing as we share memories of Sunil and the times we spent together. This is the only way to cope with this tragedy, together.

I had the distinct privilege of going to college with Sunil at NYU. When he entered as a freshman, I saw this young starry eyed kid in love with Manhattan and everything it had to offer. By the time he graduated I had watched him turn into a man, someone who I looked up to, someone who I wanted to be more like. The greatest compliment you could bestow upon Sunil was to call him a Manhattanite. He had taken every advantage that the city had to offer him and he ran with it. Some of you might have read his framed letter that is on display. His last line states, “Enjoy every moment…There’s no time and everything counts.” Sunil did exactly that, he made every moment count. He lived life to the fullest and I am just happy that I was able to live it with him. I am not sure how I am going to go on through life without hearing that laugh of his or seeing that super smile he has or just telling him to shut up every time he scolded me for sneezing within 10 feet of his presence.

Sunil and I were very excited about becoming uncles for the first time this spring with both of our sisters being pregnant. We would discuss how much this would change both of our lives; how we wanted to remain close to them to watch our niece and nephew grow up and exert as much of our influence as possible on them. Nisse and Shinu, I know no one can fill the great void left by Sunil but if you would allow me to be a surrogate uncle to your child it would be one of my greatest honors. I know I would want Sunil to do it for me.

Sunil, I love you man. You are my best friend, my confidante, my counsel and my comic relief. You will always be in my heart, my thoughts and my prayers. Peace Brother, until we meet again.

Sunil,

I never had quite the right words to describe you, but then I never thought I would need to have those words cuz you'd be here. But as I keep thinking back and sharing stories about you to people who never met you, I keep thinking to myself that no story I could tell can capture your true character. I wish so hard that everyone had had the honor and pleasure of knowing you. I've known you for about 7 years and it wasn't to very recently that we became close - this is something I will always regret. When I watch your friends and family I am amazed yet not surprised - it does not surprise me in the least that you surrounded yourself with such wonderful, strong and friendly people. What I witnessed these past 2 weeks would have made you proud. Sunil, I will truly miss our witty arguments and debates and our mini dates to "rays pizza," (although you always pretended we never went). Everytime I will go there I will think of you and all our conversations had over a slice of pizza and a few drinks at "stay." I feel so luck that I had that last Thursday at Stay w/ you and we went for our normal trip to Ray's and the conversation we had will always be embedded in my head....and your cowboy boots :-)

Even in your passing you have connected so many different people who loved you. We are all bonded and connected in that we knew what an amazing human being you were and will miss you profoundly. Being together is our only source of comfort right now.

My fondest memory of you will always be when I was a junior at NYU, I failed my C-Programming Midterm and was a mess. I sat outside the Stern Building crying my eyes out while a woman from the Christian Coalition was trying to convert me...hahah.....and there you came and saved me. You scared the woman off just as I was yelling to her how "Hindu" i was...lol. You sat w/ me and asked what was wrong and as I told you that I had failed my first exam ever you immediately began to cheer me up and make me realize that it was not hte end of the world and that everything would be okay. You even offered to help me on the next exam. I am not quite sure why this particular memory has been drilled in my head for the past 7 years but I think its because I realized then what a truly special and caring individual you were. That story is something I have always talked about and exactly how I want to remember you - happy, kind, caring and always trying to help others. I can't ever think of a time when you were not smiling or laughing....well maybe when you and I use to talk smack....and I know that you are still smiling - I may not be able to see it as before, but I know that you are smiling and laughing watching down on us. I will miss you and never forget you Sunil - until we meet again - keep smiling.

Over the past 8 months I have been preoccupied with death. I had so many questions and almost no answers. No one could console me when I lost someone whose relationship with me was irreplaceable in every way.

I had to face death again twice again since that day and each time, the endless questions and anger that come from it turned into reflection and spirituality that turned into looking at death differently. Death is not the opposite of life; death is the opposite of birth. If there is beauty in birth than one can surely see the beauty in death. Everyone's time is written and while we feel great pain at losing someone so dear to us, some people somewhere are feeling great joy and welcoming a soul reborn into this world.

I hope I haven't offended anyone, but I only say this after months of analyzing and thinking and driving myself into circles, and one phrase got me through my toughest times:

Do not cry because you lost him; smile because you knew him.

Sunil, you are forever in my thoughts--I am grateful to have known you.
May your soul be at peace.

I don't even know you kiddo...but your death has had a big impact on me..I visit your page atleast once a day to see what wonderful things people have writen about you .you must have been an awesome person to have such wonderful family and friends..you must have been like the perfect all rounder.. Your passing made me closer to my family and friends. God Bless you and may God shower you with all blessings up in heaven....

Hey buddy,
I just got done watching the video that Tommy took of you w/ the cheesecake during thanksgiving weekend. Man, that video is pure GOLD. It epitomized exactly how our friendship was. Your love for your friends and comedy must have been great for us to continually make fun of you over and over and over again. It was OK for us to make fun of you, but if somebody not in the crew would make fun of you, I would get sooooo pissed off. I once even told a certain somebody, hey, it's our job to make fun of Sunil. If you do it then you are going to have a problem with me.

I miss all of the nicknames.... Data, Itty, Ittychen, Fugazi...I can't even think of the other ones...too bad, because they were all great. I miss making fun of you. I miss our inate conversations and text messages. I miss you calling me monkey anytime I was drunk. I miss you being jealous because people were calling me Jake Daniels. I miss that dumb hand thing you used to do when you were about to pick up a piece of food. I miss yelling at you for being the worst driver EVER. I miss making fun of you for dropping the A/C out of your window. I miss waking up in the morning after a long night of partying and just BS'ing with you for hours on end.

I just miss you.

Hey buddy,
I just got done watching the video that Tommy took of you w/ the cheesecake during thanksgiving weekend. Man, that video is pure GOLD. It epitomized exactly how our friendship was. Your love for your friends and comedy must have been great for us to continually make fun of you over and over and over again. It was OK for us to make fun of you, but if somebody not in the crew would make fun of you, I would get sooooo pissed off. I once even told a certain somebody, hey, it's our job to make fun of Sunil. If you do it then you are going to have a problem with me.

I miss all of the nicknames.... Data, Itty, Ittychen, Fugazi...I can't even think of the other ones...too bad, because they were all great. I miss making fun of you. I miss our inate conversations and text messages. I miss you calling me monkey anytime I was drunk. I miss you being jealous because people were calling me Jake Daniels. I miss that dumb hand thing you used to do when you were about to pick up a piece of food. I miss yelling at you for being the worst driver EVER. I miss making fun of you for dropping the A/C out of your window. I miss waking up in the morning after a long night of partying and just BS'ing with you for hours on end.

I just miss you.

Hey cuz,Juss wanted to say that Im missing u more and more each and everyday. I watch these videos of yours and realize what a goober u were.Im trying my hardest to be strong because I hear your voice in my heart to tell me to stop crying,forgive me when somedays I cant control it.I miss u a lot and I love u

May he rest in peace and watch over his friends and family!

This was the quote on the birthday card I gave to you:

"A Man is a success who finds new reasons to look with pride on every passing year"

We are all so proud of you. I heard love is so strong, it can pass from this life to the next...I hope you can feel how much love we have for you. By your side.

PEOPLE COME INTO OUR LIFE FOR A REASON. I am sending this to you my brother Sunil. Here goes: People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the reationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on. Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season. LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant. Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.

We will always miss you and remember you till we meet again.

Lots of Hugs, kisses and Prayers for all family and friends.

We know that you want to see us smile not cry, so you got it my brother.

Sunil was a prince that had been taken to the kingdom of heaven too soon. Whether he brought a smile to my face or a spark to my mind he had an enormous effect when his name touched my lips. I’ll miss his uncanny ability to see viewpoints from the other side of the bridge. I’ll miss his great spirit which was as colorful as gasoline rainbows. We walk a life of certain regrets and mine is that I didn’t know him longer. Although he may not be on my future horizon, his unique brilliance will always shine in my heart and in my mind. Farewell, sweet prince….

What upsets me the most is that I’ll never see you again. I know there are a lot of people who feel this way. But I feel deprived looking through the pictures and reading the memories because I only got to meet you once. Tinu asked me if I remembered you and I was thinking ‘how can I forget you?’ Within the first few minutes of being introduced, you saw how I looked to Tinu as an older brother and we both realized that would make us cousins and you referred to me from then on as that. You just took me in and looked out for me that whole night like the cousin who acts more like an overprotective brother. I wish we could’ve spent more time together. The characteristics of people I considered my role models growing up, within that first night I saw that you personified most of them. Looking through this site I see you had all the other qualities too.

At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.
- A Schweitzer

itty
Data
funnel
oolan
Fugazi
U2 tickets
jack and coke
Marlboro Lights
Zippo lighters
Star Trek
X-43
Dive bars
Monster beer
Chris Rock
"keepin it real"
Roadie
Bob Dylan
U2
Louis Armstrong
Bacon egg cheeseburger
Watches
Irony
Nina Simone
Vestal steak house (bum trip)

My fondest memory of Sunil is our trip to fokana in Rochester. Me and Josh went to pick the van (mystery machine), and then we went to pick up Sunil... who was sitting outside on the curb at some mall in NJ smiling. He was drinking Snapple with Malibu. As we pulled up he picked up his book bag and got up to greet us. He offered me some of his Snapple concoction, smiled and said "this is gonna be a fun trip". He wasn't just talking about hanging out, meeting girls, or getting bombed. He meant those things, but it seems to me now it was more, and we knew it. Everything was there and around us. We were invincible. It was grand.
The last time we spoke alone was at Jim's engagement party in the city. The goose was flying high, and he asked me about my kids, flying machines, and music. We talked outside for a while ...I remember sayin "when you have kids you'll understand the line 'I hear babies cryin' ". He looked at me and then he smiled. That smile always brought me back to place where the world was ours for the taking...we were invincible.

Thanks for the light and rest in peace my brilliant friend

Don't even know where to start or what to say. I think about you every day. Your smile is what I remember the most. We didn't know each other too well. But, you were extremely close to my cousins and my brother. Through them, I always felt like I knew you. Through that smile that you greeted me with everytime I saw you, I felt like I knew you my whole life. I think many people felt that way.

Every morning I wake up and think of Sunil. I feel like someone so good was taken away too soon. But, that was God's plan, his wish. We cannot question it.
I think of your parents, your sister and brother-in-law all the time. My heart breaks for them. As a parent, and as a sister, I can't bear to put myself in their place.
I wished there was some way to console them, but I know there's not.
Your friends - Guys, Sunil is smiling down on you always. He will always be with you. That smile of his is forever etched in all our minds.
Sunil, you always greeted me with a smile and you played with my daughter in that balcony at church all the time. She called you chacha. She's too young to know that you are gone. But, I'm glad she knew you. I'm glad we all were lucky enough to know you.
You are missed!

Everyone has been telling me that as time passes, the wound of losing you will begin to heal. Why is that as each day passes I grow sadder and sadder? I find myself just sitting there, alone or with people, yet truly feeling alone. Tears stream down my face, i feel like they will never stop. I still can't believe or maybe can't accept you are gone. I don't know if I ever will.

I keep listening to this song over and over:

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

High up above or down below
when you're too in love to let it go
but If you never try you'll never know
Just what your worth

Lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears streaming down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears streaming down your face and I

Tears streaming down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face and I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

sunilla... not sure what i want to write at this moment. maybe to sum up how i'm feeling right now is too painful to put down into words and it's not something i've fully come to face or realize yet... so instead i'll ramble and update you on something you will enjoy -- our favorite sunday night ritual "flavor of love"... first of all i still completely disagree with you that Miss New York should have won... tonite was the flavor of love reunion that we were looking forward to watching together and it was everything i hoped it would be and more... footage of Hottie and the microwave chicken, New York attacking Pumpkin 2 times and cat fighting with all the other "ladies", etc... the whole time i wished you were here cause i know no one would be able to enjoy the show with me like you did and be able to debate Hoopz versus New York until it was time to go to sleep and we would scream at each other through the walls "HOOPZ!" "NO, NEW YORK!!!". obviously watching flavor of love was not the most significant thing we've done together, but it's these little activities of just hanging out and doing whatever that i'm missing about you at this very moment. i'm thinking about you every second and carry you with me in everything i do. i miss you and d cat's misses his uncle too. who's face will he chew on now? 5 out of 5... or wait... did we ever agree on 6 out of 6? i don't think it's fair that we leave d cats out...

My speech from Sunil's wake..

Words can’t describe what we are all feeling right now. I still feel like this is a dream and that Sunil is going to walk through the door with a big smile, ready to crack a joke. What makes loosing him so difficult is that he truly was a special and amazing person. He had that certain something about him that made everyone love him and want to be around him. He always brightened the room with his witty remarks and comments. And I must say, he had quite the wit. He always had a comment and always had to get the last word in. It was very humorous to watch him debate people. With that, you can’t deny how bright he was. He knew a lot about some very obscure subjects. We’d wonder about how he picked up all that stuff and just chalked it up to him being Sunil.. It was just that simple. He was Sunil- the witty guy who could get under your skin, but still make you laugh while he was doing it. And that’s what we all loved.

They say you can judge a man’s character by the friends he keeps. I know Sunil was a man of impeccable character because of all of the family and friends that are here today. Over the years, I’ve had the opportunity to meet most of his family and friends and I know how much we all love him. I know how big a part we all played in shaping his life, but I also know that it was a bigger part that Sunil played in shaping our lives. There is a letter out there on one of the tables written by Sunil. It’s a letter to himself. In it, he says, live every moment. I know that he did live every moment and am proud that he accomplished so much in that precious time. We can only hope that we all live our lives as well as he lived his.

St. Thomas Orthodox Church in Yonkers- this was an important place for him. Not only was this where he came to worship God, but this is also where he grew up. We all grew up there, our little crew, and over the years we all became more then friends-we became brothers. For all of us this is a tremendous loss and I know that things will never be the same without him. For all the members of our church, this will be a great loss as well. Sunil was a smiling face, a devoted Christian, and a friend to all. I will forever walk into that balcony at church and look into the corner expecting to see him there reading the Bible during service. Even though I can’t see him, I know he will be there watching us.

He used to sing this song all the time. I would hear him repeat the words, “Oh, I think they like me, Oh I think they like me.”
No Sunil, I think we love you. I think we love you.

I'm wondering if anyone can please post the text of Sunil's letter? I did not get a chance to read it at the wake. Thanks.

You once asked me to describe you in one word. Without missing a beat, I replied "Indescribable".

Sometimes getting out of bed seems too great a feat. Where are you? All I can think about are all the sweet memories, and when I'll be able to see you again. My thoughts are relentless and heart-breaking. Life has been so painful these past weeks...how can I keep putting one foot in front of the other? I still hope I'll see your name pop up every time my phone rings. I still hope this is all just one big mistake. I cannot even find you in my dreams. My heart is broken, and I cannot find comfort anywhere. Please give me the strength to find a reason....

I love you.

Hey, Sunil -

As you know, I have always prided myself as being a writer and an artist before a waitress or a bartender... and as eloquent, witty and articulate as I may often be - and, you encouraged me to be - my life without you leaves me at a loss - a loss of you, and a loss of words, of which so I easily rely. (Both you AND the words.)

I feel hollow. I feel heartbroken. I feel reget at not telling you how you were one of those few people, however clicheed, that made my life better simply by knowing you. You are the quintessential cheerleader, the most earnest motivator and the most humanitarian yet irreverent soul that can still make me laugh until I am hurting in my gut.

I am pretty sure that I have told you this already, but: I love you. I love who you are, and what you bring to all who have the privilege of your company and favor. I appreciate and savor and with the most reverent love remember the times that we have had. You are an integral part of the cultivation of my humor, cultural curiosity and faith in not only myself, but mankind. Man - I love you. I'd insert an expletive there, but maybe it just ain't the appropriate time.

I can never really exactly express just how much you mean to me - I ache, yet I am hollow, yet some memories still make me laugh through my convulsing tears. You are wholly special. I hope to contribute to the world what you have, just by your very character and goodness.

You, Sunil Varghese... you are very missed, and so very much loved.

Your Pal,
A-L

To the guys, in the spirit of Sunil's life:

Oh brother I can't, I can't get through
I've been trying hard to reach you, cause I don't know what to do
Oh brother I can't believe it's true
I'm so scared about the future and I wanna talk to you
Oh I wanna talk to you
You can take a picture of something you see
In the future where will I be?
You can climb a ladder up to the sun
Or write a song nobody has sung
Or do something that's never been done

Are you lost or incomplete?
Do you feel like a puzzle, you can't find your missing piece?
Tell me how do you feel?
Well I feel like they're talking in a language I don't speak
And they're talking it to me

So you take a picture of something you see
In the future where will I be?
You can climb a ladder up to the sun
Or a write a song nobody has sung
Or do something that's never been done
Do something that's never been done

So you don't know were you're going, and you wanna talk
And you feel like you're going where you've been before
You tell anyone who'll listen but you feel ignored
Nothing's really making any sense at all
Let's talk, let's talk
Let's talk, let's talk

Coldplay - Talk

Sunil,
After hearing all the wonderful things your closest friends and family said about you at your wake, funeral, and now on this very sincere website devoted to you...what can i say...Shame on me for not being able to know you too well. Sunil, the very last memory i have of you is the last sunday you came to church. I was just coming in, and you were downstairs talking to one of your many friends. I hung up my jacket and as i was going upstairs, you took a moment from your conversation and, with very big and bright eyes said a very simple,"HEY! How are you?".. Sunil, with that simple "hey", i felt like you had known me for ages!
You know something, sunil? We both now have something in common...the 17th day of march. God decided to pick you for His Garden this day, while giving me yet another birthday. That day will never again be just my birthday anymore, it won't be just St. Patrick's day anymore, it has now become the day Sunil left us. You see what your family and closest buddies are going through without you, don't you. Unfortunately, I have not been able to say one word of consolation to them...not a single one. Forgive me sunil, but i dont know what i should say that could possibly make them a little bit less sadder, a bit less broken. You know, there's not a single sunday that your dad (who's much like my own dad to me)would not make an effort to come see me. Whether i was by myself or surrounded by a circle of friends, he would find me, grab me, and give me a tight hug and a big kiss...every sunday, and that's not an exaggeration. Likewise, he did the same at your funeral. I didnt just happen to be in his way, he found me. Sunil, i can't bear to see his face these days. Just hearing his voice in the altar makes my eyes water, my throat get lumpy. I dont know if he will ever be the same again since youre gone. He is a rock just like Nisse said. Didn't you see him greeting people with a smile when they came to see you at your wake , the same smile you have; and did you see him reading the Bible at your funeral! Your poor mom trying to console your grieving friends as they stood in front of your coffin and cried. And your big sister Nisse (whom i look upto as my big sister too) who worked really hard to somewhat change the atmosphere at your funeral with some baby brother jokes she used to put a smile on others' faces. Nisse, youre just the rock that your dad is. I dont know how you were able to think up some of the things you said at that time of great sorrow. How hard you must've worked to put your tears on the backburner for a while to make others smile! As a big sister myself, i commend you for that brave face you put on. I dont think i could ever be half the person you are nisse. Hopefully, your precious bundle of joy will be like sunil in so many ways. I pray that he will be your mirror to your baby brother.
Sunil, my parents can't seem to stop thinking about you, to stop talking about you. Every phone conversation with a friend is about you. Sundays at home after church is about memories of that brilliant, happy, God-fearing boy. You know what my father said? He said the last sunday you were in church, you served paachor for him, my mother, and many others after service. "His last day he served everyone "sweets", he said, much like people do when a happy occassion comes around. And the following Sunday...well you know... it wasnt so sweet anymore. He said, ironically it's like God made you do it:almost like you knew you were going to a better place. Did u know sunil?
You're probably having the time of your life up there right now. In all honesty, Im jealous! But if I am lucky enough like your family and friends were, i know i'll get to know you much better when i reach there someday. I hope all our prayers are reaching the heavens. Put in a word of recommendation to the BIG GUY, won't you, just so that HE hears every single one.
Your passing shook everyone root to tip, even the ones that didnt know you so well. We all got shocked, but unfortunatley there's no counter-shock for this one. When i see your friends together in church, i just expect to find you there too, with them. Ofcourse you are, in your own way, but as for the rest of us, i guess we'll just have to wait till we see you in that "Balcony". Be there to greet us with that smile of yours.
My family and i have nothing butlove,prayers,and more prayers for your soul and for your family.
P.S Really sorry for making this so long :-)

I was young, and I had never been there before. But even today, I can still remember that picturesque house. I was trying to be extra careful, so imagine my
horror when I pulled out the knob to Nisse's door. From the look on your face, I knew I was in deep trouble. You had me going for a few minutes, but I realized that I had been had when you finally exploded with laughter. We started playing in the house, but after a few too many run-ins, close calls and threats of pain from everyone's respective parents, we took our game outside.

As host, you were designated It. After a half an hour of fruitless chasing, you recognized why.

"Hey, whose brilliant idea was it to have a moving base?"

You realized your folly before the rest of us.
.
.
.
I am sorry that we grew up and became passers-by. I pray that you are at peace
and hope that with time the rest of us can also find peace.

The Mets just won their first home game of the season. I don't think it's a coincidence that one of their biggest fans is in a place to help that happen now. Good job, Sunil!

A few of you have asked for a transcript of the letter Sunil wrote to himself. I am typing this exactly as it is written. If there are grammatical or spelling errors, blame Sunil!!!

Dated: Wednesday, November 27, 1996

Yo Sunil,
What’s up? Remember, I’m writing this letter from Phil’s (the Writing Workshop teacher) apartment. Remember why? Well it doesn’t matter. So I’m going to see Star Trek: First Contact soon, cause I was suck when it opened and I couldn’t see it w/ Seth Hatfield, the lifeguard. Remember Marie Jo, the other lifeguard. I’m mentioning these things to jog your memory and make you smile.

So how did school go? Are you still at NYU? CAS or Stern? Poly Sci, Business, or what. God forbid, I hope nothing tragic has happened. God, this letter is wierd. I’m trying to imagine me in 4 years, and I fear it will come too quickly. Are you alone? Did you find anyone. Who are your friends dude? Anyone close. How is Josh, Prashanth, Jamy, Jaimon, Viju, Diglio, Seibert, + Pradeep, Mano. Of course how is Nisse, Mom + Dad. Is she w/ or married to Shinu. God, let her be happy whatever she is doing. It’s the day before thanksgiving and I have 2 Japanese tests after this. Do you still talk to anyone from high school? Jonelle, Yanuklis, others. Well you got to go (to Jap class) now. How much in debt are you? Did you SCUBA dive yet? Parachute? Still Running + lifting? If no, START (ah, I’m sure you are.) God I have too much to ask and say so I’ll just say……I don’t know. Just tell me you didn’t waste time. Please just tell me that. Well I guess its up to me. Gotta go. Best Wishes.

Hey I just won the B+W T.V. Cool. Later dude. Enjoy every moment. Please!!!!! There’s no time, + everything counts. Bye

1996 Sunil

Sunil-

I really miss you....

Sunil, the pain and sadness from losing you has radiated throughout so many different communities, churches, offices, conversations, hearts, and minds. I don't know too many other people who could create such a huge absence. It seems you were balancing the world out by being on Earth. Now we are all spiraling downwards without you. I find myself wanting to be with my friends and family even more now. I want to live the kind of life you lead, you packed so much love into it in such a short time.

Growing up as a little girl in our church, I remember your mom standing near us, making sure we were behaving. Every Sunday, she became our mom for a few hours (and gave all the other moms a chance to relax and not worry about their kids during service). Whenever she yelled at us to be quiet, we became your sisters. When I saw her at your wake, my heart felt like it was bleeding. This woman who had instilled so much fear in us back then was now a mourning mother, our mourning mother. I can't even begin to imagine what she is going through. I wish we could all rewind to the days when we were all kids misbehaving together, when you were still with us.

I remember playing at your house when we were all little. I remember your dad welcoming my family into your home on the weekends.

I don't understand why this happened, why you are gone. I hope someday I do. I think about you and your family all day long.

I feel your presence at all the places we used to run into each other at. I felt it the Sunday after you left, and again last week, you know why and where, so weird, right?

I really can't believe I'll never see you again, that I'll never get that hug and kiss on the cheek from you. You are and always will be a great guy, that's what makes this all so hard.

I hope that you are in a beautiful place now. I hope you can forgive us for being so sad despite the fact that all you ever wanted was for everyone to be happy.

Dude, Sunil -

For you, I almost didn't go out for opening day. But, in the end... FOR YOU, I went. Guess what? The Mets won, 3-2. Nady went 4-4, and the Mets stand with the best Opening Day record at 28-17... EVER.

Also, I saw Shatner shilling some 1-800-LAWYER nonsense on the telly and thought of you. My friend was like, "Why you bawling at Shatner???"...

and I was like, "Because a beautiful man I know is crazy about the Shatner."

I miss you. Do they have the interweb in heaven? If they do, I hope that the connection is clear, and that it tells you just how much I love you.

Your Pal,
A-L

just when i think i'm ok...darn it babe! please come home...i jumped up and down at shea yesterday as you orchestrated that first win...i walk here and there and my mind just goes back to you all day long...you'd be so proud of what we have done, how your friends and family have pulled together...but why did we need to have this test...

I find comfort in saying comforting words to others...but do I really believe them? I finally have truly learned why the call it an ache, b/c my heart actually hurts....i miss u

Sunil-

My heart aches with the thought of you not being here. Everyday I am hoping to wake up from this nightmare. I cannot believe this has happened.

Why Lord why? I know that I should not ask this, but I am not finding peace with this situation.

I cannot get over the sense of utter cruelty...

So my fantasy baseball team has already been hit with the injury bug.

I have resorted to picking up and starting Xavier Nady. I just wanted to make sure you knew about it. So go ahead laugh and make fun of the fact that I turned to the guy that I was ridiculing when the Mets traded Cameron for him....

Who knows maybe I'll catch lightning in a bottle!!! Cuz, I'm positive the Mets have an ANGEL in the outfield this year.........

It is snowing outside but yet there are flowers on the trees, - it doesn't make sense - seems to mirror this devastating loss - doesn't make sense. I wait to feel your presence somewhere, to see you in my dreams, but I don't. I look at all the faces in the crowd, hoping that I will see you, even for a split second. I don't know where you are but I wish I could feel you, see you, sense you one more time. I miss you.

One day God will wipe away every tear and there will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain. To everyone dealing with the loss of a loved one, may you be comforted and encouraged by this.

Our compassionate heavenly Father gives us comfort, hope and peace in His Son Jesus Christ. The hope of being reunited with our loved ones should give us the courage to keep on living in faith. Our hearts should be comforted and strengthened by the truth of the resurrection.

"I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances" (Philippians 4:11). Jesus did say, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened … and you will find rest for your souls" (Matthew 11:28-29).

"When peace like a river attendeth my way
When sorrows like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say
It is well, it is well with my soul"

When you used to look up at the stars, maybe you knew they were really shining for you. I love you and miss you so very much. I think of you when I listen to this song...

Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you,
And everything you do,
Yeah, they were all yellow.

I came along,
I wrote a song for you,
And all the things you do,
And it was called "Yellow."

So then I took my turn,
Oh what a thing to have done,
And it was all "Yellow."

Your skin
Oh yeah, your skin and bones,
Turn into something beautiful,
You know, you know I love you so,
You know I love you so.

I swam across,
I jumped across for you,
Oh what a thing to do.

Cos you were all "Yellow,"
I drew a line,
I drew a line for you,
Oh what a thing to do,
And it was all "Yellow."

Your skin,
Oh yeah your skin and bones,
Turn into something beautiful,
And you know
For you I'd bleed myself dry
For you I'd bleed myself dry

It's true, look how they shine for you,
Look how they shine for you,
Look how they shine for,
Look how they shine for you,
Look how they shine for you,
Look how they shine.

Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you,
And all the things that you do.

~ Coldplay

Sunil,
I must look at this page a couple of times a day since its been up reading what everyone has written about you. I keep wanting to write something, anything...but the words don't seem to flow correctly. I have memories of you from when we were younger; the two of us were never close, yet I knew that when I saw you I would be greeted with a smile. :) You are such a warm and welcoming person, so I don't understand why you had to leave. I think about your parents and your sister everyday. My thoughts and prayers will always be with them.
I actually saw you for the first time in a very long time a few weeks before you left us, at your church, and now looking back I realize that was because I wouldn't see you again. I'm sorry we didn't talk more that day, I definitely regret that. You know, I never thought I would never see you again. I now take the time to talk to people when I see them, because we never know when it may be the last time you see the person.
I actually thought I saw you on the subway a few days ago, it was the weirdest thing! The guy must of thought I was crazy because I kept looking at him just to make sure it wasn't you...he didn't have your smile. :)
Just know that you will never be forgotten and that you have touched soo many lives. I hope that I will be able to live my life like you did, enjoying every momemnt. We all miss you.

I went to the bookstore today, and saw a McDonald's. All of a sudden, I had a huge craving for a Big Mac...and then as I stood in line to order, I saw a picture for the 6-piece Chicken Nuggets. They weren't $0.99, but I had to order them anyway. It made me smile to think of your excitement when you called to relay the message that McDonald's Chicken Nuggets were $0.99 and that I should drop everything I was doing to go get some. Miss you much....

So I pick up Xavier Nady this morning, and he immediately hits a HR in his first at-bat of the night....

Coincidence...i think NOT....

keep'em coming Sunil!!!!!

Sunil(Chettan...never heard that one before), I just wanted to say THANK YOU and you know what that's for.

We all did a toast to you tonight to this song...oh how i wish you were there...

Let's hear it for the boy

My baby, he don't talk sweet, he ain't got much to say
But he loves me, loves me, loves me, I know that he loves me anyway
And maybe he don't dress fine but I don't really mind
'Cause every time he pulls me near I just wanna cheer

Let's hear it for the boy, let's give the boy a hand
Let's hear it for my baby, you know you gotta understand, oh oh oh
Maybe he's no Romeo but he's my loving one-man show, oh woh woh woh
Let's hear it for the boy

My baby may not be rich, he's watching every dime
But he loves me, loves me, loves me, we always have a real good time
And maybe he sings off-key but that's alright by me, yeah
'Cause what he does, he does so well, makes me wanna yell

Let's hear it for the boy, ah, let's give the boy a hand
Let's hear it for my baby, you know you gotta understand, oh oh oh
Maybe he's no Romeo but he's my loving one-man show, oh woh woh woh
Let's hear it for the boy

Ooh
Ooh ooh ooh, yeah

'Cause every time he pulls me near I just wanna cheer

Let's hear it for the boy, ah, let's give the boy a hand
Let's hear it for my baby, you know you gotta understand
Yeah yeah yeah yeah, woh oh oh
Maybe he's no Romeo but he's my loving one-man show, oh woh woh woh

Let's hear it for the boy (let's hear it for the boy)
Let's hear it for my man (let's hear it for my baby)
Let's hear it for my man (let's hear it for the boy)
(Let's hear it for my baby)
(Let's hear it for the boy)
Let's hear it for my man (let's hear it for my baby), yeah yeah yeah hey
(Let's hear it for the boy)
Put your hands together (let's hear it for my baby)
Ooh ooh ooh ooh (let's hear it for the boy)
Woh, let's hear it for my boy (let's hear it for my baby)
Let's hear it for my man (let's hear it for the boy)
Ooh-ooh ooh-ooh ooh ooh-ooh (let's hear it for my baby)
Let's hear it for my man, yeah

I went to Noe Valley today, and passed by all the shops & restaurants we walked by with Jui, Josh, Jim & Cindu when we had brunch together. I saw the Starbucks where we all got coffees and sat outside on the benches, and that weird guy said we took his spot. I would've sat down but it's raining out. I passed by the empty lot where there was that food fair when Josh got those dried cherries and we lost him. And I passed by the BIG hill that we complained about walking up, because we were both sweating like beasts...and contemplated taking a cab for 3 blocks. I didn't expect to see all these places, but seeing them made me remember that day all over again. Just wanted to tell you that...that's all.

"A man can acquire anything in solitude except a character. To feel whole, we need people in the vicinity who know us as well as, and sometimes, better than we know ourselves" Alain de Botton

WHY U? I sit alone tryin my best 2 shake off this sickenin feelin but I can't. WHY SO SOON? I sit along w/ others (My Mom, Jub, Tommy Chachen, Bindu Chechy, and Susan Aunty mainly), obviously in utter disbelief as well, tryin 2 shake it off but it just doesn't fade. WHY NOT ENDLESS OTHERS SUFFERING? I hear my voice talking 2 othrs, total strangers sometimes, of this tragic event and I pause several times because I just can't believe. WHY u? I ONLY find comfort in accepting it is God's will and we don't control much on this planet.

I already know you've seen my Pappa. He alwaz thought so highly of u. Then again, who wudn't? Is he upset with me? I've been missin him much more these days and I'm aching to c him in a dream again. Cud u please bring him along as well the next time I c u in a dream? That smile told me u r happy.

Even tho, in da past few yrs, our paths crossd less frequently, this is indeed the most tragic loss in so many ways 4 me. Reading the msgs posted by Stephanie and Melissa makes me especially weak. I understand their pain. I just recenlty realized ur solid faith in me 10 yrs ago. U were so wise beyond ur yrs. U alwaz listened. U were, r and will b the most genuine friend. And I thought u were just pickin on me...well, I got ur sister as a result cause she listened 2 my complaints about u :~)

My dearest Nis, Shin, Baby Uncle and Moni Aunty...please find most of your strength in the baby and the rest in ALL of us who will alwaz share this pain with you.

So it's 12:00am April 8th, 2006. I have now completed my first birthday w/o my boy....

I don't know what to say... I didn't wanna celebrate a bday with out you....please tell me that you are around and you wished me a happy birthday...please tell me you are ok...i love you sooo much (and i'm not gay...jackass)...i'm just worried about you...can i help it??

i'lll talk to ya soon brother...ya know Holy Week is coming up soon...lots of church..ya know...

later brother....

Hey, Sunil -

I do want to pay my proper respects to your family... although Shinu and Nisse I saw most, the Varghese family has always exuded the most genuine charm and good nature... anything I can do, I will and will do so willingly...

Also: the Mets! Amazing! I put your initials and a note to you on the '06 annual cap... you gotta believe, no?

You know, anyone that I tell about you in my fresh, clean, new life in CT expresses the utmost regard for the individual that I wax poetic on - sincerely - that is you. You do know how special you are, no? Besides holding court... you do know how much you are adored, and missed? I sure hope so.

Your wit and repaartee... a science of art, and an art of science. You are a humanitarian and a friend. You think globally and act totally locally. You are a gift. I have previously been self-centered in my notes, but you know what? As much as God can plan for you, I am still admittedly selfish in feeling your loss and missing you right here and right now. And that's truth.

I wish we could have caught up before you left. Maybe I took you being around for granted... but you were, are and remain a constant for me and so many others: a constant source of smiles, laughs, friendship, confidence... and, yeah, most important: smiles. I equate you with smiles.

I miss you, my friend. Like whoa.

Your Pal,
A-L

XOXO... kisses and hugs, where you are... and I SO have your next one, next time we meet.

Hi Sunil,
During these last few weeks, I’ve taken more of a backseat just taking it all in – the stories, the laughs, the videos – all the Sunil memories. I think of you everyday, Sunil. Although all the memories do offer some comfort, I remind myself of the reality that you are not here with us anymore. But your light and energy was as radiant as the sun, and I will forever hold that in my heart (I can't thank you enough for that!) Just how it took me some time to say goodbye to you, even though I go on your page everyday, I’ve been wanting to write to you for some time now. So here it goes…this is a letter that I wrote to you as I left NY to go back to the west coast.

Mar 26
Dear Sunil,
Although we’ve lost touch in the past couple of years, I haven’t felt closer to you than I do now. You’re one of those friends that no matter how much time had passed, we could always pick up where ever we left off. I will always have the fondest of memories of you, as will your friends and family. Your smile, your laughter, your unparalleled wit and charm, your goofiness, and most of all, your selflessness – I will truly miss. I will never forget our talks of life, love and happiness (or at least the pursuit of happiness.) Sunil, you were one of those friends that could always engage in deep, profound conversation. And for someone so young, as one of my peers, you were truly wise and embraced life well beyond your years. You were always a gentleman – always looking out for your friends and family – telling us “don’t worry.”

As I’ve grown spiritually in my adult life, I look back on your life and how you lived it. Not only do I revere your devotion to Christianity, but it is clear to me that you always strived to live your life as a Christian. You were a man who put others before yourself – true selflessness. Whether it be your responsibility to your family or helping your friends get through the tough times of life, you were always there to lean on and put a smile on others’ faces.

Your mom said to me to “keep your spirit alive,” and as her words reverberate in my head and I don’t forget the sincerity and anguish all at the same time in her eyes, I constantly think how can I do that? I think, how can I emulate Sunil in my life? Sunil, who was always so positive and happy and tried to live life to the fullest – who seized all opportunities that came his way and made the best of it – who expressed love openly and showered it upon his friends and family. I can only strive to see and live life through your eyes and touch people the way you did. If I can constantly remind myself of what you would say or how you would act, then I’ll know that your spirit and outlook on life will live on.

I know that although you’ve left our physical world, I can still always count on you to be there. I want to thank you for being my friend and for the impact that you have had on my life. Although I will miss our talks, I know that you will still be there to always listen. Thank you for giving me love, laughter, and just memories. I know that you are truly smiling ear to ear now. And I pray for your eternal happiness. Sunil, rest in peace...until we meet again. I will always remember you.

I love you Sunil and I miss you!
Rhea

Dear Sunil,
I have always seen you hang out with my sister and my cousin and always make them laugh. Even when i walk by i always see that "colgate smile" on your face, and see atleast 2 people laughing.
I have been reading all the posts that people were writing to you and everyone has been saying, you were an inspiration to their lives. I dont even know you as well as chachey does but i feel like i have known you as a lifetime from what everyone has been saying. Everyone in my eyes has taken a little part of you within them that will make them than what they are now.
I always see you in the balcony praying with the Bible in your hands and i think, wow. How devoted is he to God. Whenever i go up to the balcony, i always expect you to be there, but even though i dont see you, i know that you are there.
Before i go on and on, i just wanted to tell you that we all miss you and that we were all blessed and lucky enough to have been able to live on Earth with you by our side. We will all try to continue with our lives, but it will never be the same without you there but we will always remember that you will be there shining over us with your bright smile and continue to guide our way. We love you and miss u!!

Hey Sunilchachen,
It's Teena. I especially mentioned my name b/c i remember that whenever we talked on the phone, I'd say "hi", an you'd say, "Who is this?"-laughing, I'd say "Teena"-"Oh, good, cuz this is Sunilchachen", even though we both already knew all of this. Wow, what can I say. You've been a part of my life as long as I could remember. I've can't remember a single birthday when you haven't been there to celebrate with me. Technically, ur like my first cuz once removed, or second cuz, or somethin like that. Considering that I don't even know, I guess you can tell that I couldn't care less about who you technically were to me. B/c the only way Ive ever thought of you is as Sunilchachen. As to what word Id pick to describe your relationship to me, the only thing that comes to my mind is my older brother. The genius/germaphobe/funny/loving heart of our family. Whenever mommy complained about how we have no family here in NY and that we should move to Texas, id say "wat ru talkin abt? We have Uncle, an Aunty, an Sunilch., an Nissech, an Shinuch." an now a baby too. She didnt rlly hav a comeback to that one. A couple of days ago, someone said that it was good that we lived here and got to know you better than most of the cuzins. If u were jus gonna leave us like this, Im not so sure how good that was. B/c I know that the only reason I feel like this is because I loved you an I know you loved me too. Spending time at ur parents house kills me, b/c I cant stop thinkin that ur supposed to be there. When everyone else is there hangin out an laughin, I keep thinkin ur in the middle of them somewhere, but I can't find u.
As excited as I was for the baby, I was especially looking forward to seeing you change his diaper-Wearing gloves, an goggles, an maybe a mask. I imagined in my mind how you would look at the baby an say "What do you want?" when he cries as if he could understand u.
A random story that i can never forget that has nothing yet everything to do w/ who u were to me is the chicken curry story. Remember how we were in Nissech.'s an Shinuch's apartment in Queens w/ Tinuch.? If not,I'll remind u. We were startin to get some food when I put my plate down which happened to fall onto the cushioned stool right under it. Nissech an Shinuch werent there for some reason. We got all the rice off but there was a decent sized chicken curry stain on the cushion. U said OH NO! an started to pick up the whole stool to dump it into the sink until I told u to take off the cushion instead.(I think I know where I get my blonde moments from. Well, either u or Trinach.) Well, rinsin it made the stain get lighter, but it spread to over half the cushion. NOW the problem was dryin it b4 Nissech an Shinuch got home. Wringin it out could only do so much. Then you came up w/ the idea to hang it up in the bathroom window using a curtain ring. After while, you tossed it back to me saying that u had to take a shower an to hold it in front of a fan. So thats wat I did until u got out. When you finally got out, time was running out an we had to go meet Nissech an Shinuch in the city to see a movie. That's when things were gettin a little crazy when you started beatin it Indian style on the kitchen counter.Then you got the bright idea to iron the cushion to see if you can get the water to evaporate or something. Thank god I read the label that said "Highly Flammable" before the iron got too hot. Anyway, the 3 of us formed a master plan to take the cushion to the other stool off so they dont notice the difference right away, an keep the wet one in the window until we came back. Once everyone got back, Id distract Nissech an Shinuch, while Tinuch got the other cushion, an u got the damaged one from the bathroom an both of u returned both to the kitchen. It would've worked out perfectly if I hadn't felt guilty an told Nissech. I remember u an Tinuch. were yelling at me sayin "Traitor, Traitor!" even though I was the one who caused the problem in the first place. I have no idea why I put this random long story in here, but these are the kind of memories I have that I can never forget of u. There was so much I expected to be with you through. The baby, ur weddin, ur kids, ur interrogations abt guys or grades...-the list goes on an on. All of a sudden, everythin was cut short. When Im home I think its all a lie, b/c its impossible. At ur parents, I dont know wat to think, cuz its supposed to b impossible.
Ive heard or read somewhere that time heals all wounds. I had no reason not to believe it before because I didn't have any wounds. But now I think that this is the biggest lie Ive ever heard in my life. This wound cant heal b/c everytime I hear a christmas song, I remember how I used to try an explain to u that u cant sing christmas carols in the middle of summer-an it cuts open again. Everytime I see That's So Raven, I hear you tellin me to come watch w/ u. A Hindi movie makes me think of how u made up new tunes for the title songs which came out a little country. I do agree w/ one thing though. As time goes on, you get better an better at hidin ur pain an grief. It'll never go away. The only thing to do is distract urself. Distract urself from how much you hurt. Thats all that u can do.
Everyone knows abt ur infamous skills at speaking malayalam. Ud always say somethin that Id never understand until u finally said it in english. Then when id laugh, ud say "Kutta, Dont worry, you'll be as good as me SOMEday." Then I said, "Ya, OK, watever Sunilchachen"-Now I say that I can only hope an pray that wat u said might be true.
WE ALL MISS YOU SOOOOOOO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!-(even tho u already knew that).

dearest sunil,
i think everyday has been like this since you left us. everyday is just a sad reminder of how you're not here to share it with us. i see your mom and dad in church and i have so much to say, but i just can't. i want to tell them about all the times i would see you and you would call out to me just to say hi. you would give me a hug and ask me how i was doing at every opportunity. i know we weren't the closest of friends, but when i'd see you, i felt like we were. you always treated me like your own. it was just your way. i'm just sorry i didn't get to say more...Sunil, we all miss you more than you know. but we know, deep down inside, that you're in the best place. i can honestly say that God has picked one of the best...my prayers are with you and your family always.

Sunil-

I know that you can hear our thoughts and feel our pain. We miss you a great deal. If at all possible, pls send us a sign.

Still patiently waiting to wake up....

"On the death of a friend, we should consider that the fates through confidence have devolved on us the task of a double living, that we have henceforth to fulfill the promise of our friend's life also, in our own, to the world."
Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)

To the question, ''What is a friend?'', the Greek philosopher, Aristotle, replied ''A single soul dwelling in two bodies.''

Sunil - I am sure you know now how many "bodies" carry your "soul" with them... I hope you can bring us comfort in our despair.

It's just the weirdest thing, Sunil. Every morning when i wake up, the first thing that comes to my mind is the fact that you're not here anymore. And still i am in utter disbelief. It's the 11th of April today, and in 6 days it will be one month since God took u away from us...one whole month already sunil, and it feels like it was just yesterday when i got that phone call at work from my father...

I owe u a special thanks sunil. My evaluation for this rotation was yesterday...i asked u to pray for me the day before, remember? You guys up there knew how nervous i was. On the way there, something in my head said, "You'll be fine, Jisha"(those were the words exactly as i heard them), and when i heard that i immediately thought of you...that i had asked you the night before to pray. It went great Sunil...i did well.

As u may already know, i have been visiting this site regularly...almost religiously. Sometimes more than 3-5 times a day, just to see what other things people have written for you, about you, and to keep hearing ur silly karaoke songs...which reminds me..u had the voice for spanish music bye the way! I was impressed man. It's the highlight of my lunch break...i can't help but laugh. Everytime i visit your site, it just reminds me a little more to love life and to live to the fullest like you did. Do you even know how much of an inspiration you are to others. I feel like i know u just a little bit better each time i visit your page, and i can thank your friends for that.
Keep praying for us sunil, and catch all of ours while youre at it.

Just wanted to tell you that I love you...is all...

Are you playing your harmonica up there? I love you.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That sav'd a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found;
was blind, but now I see.

'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,
and grace my fears relieved;
How precious did that grace appear,
the hour I first believed.

Thro' many dangers, toils and snares,
I have already come;
'Tis grace that brought me safe thus far,
and grace will lead me home.

Yes, when this heart and flesh shall fail,
and mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess within the vale
a life of joy and peace.

I havent been able to bring myself to write on this site. I guess in doing so it would make you not being here anymore a REALITY, i am not ready to accept...

I miss you Sunil.. I am also very upset. The last time i was to have seen you. I was feeling under the weather. I thought, I'll see him next time we all grab drinks.. Now there is no next time, at least not in this life.

Although, I am older than Sunil. He had such wisdom and the best advice. His happiness ALL THE TIME, made me realize not to let the petty things get to me. Now that Sunil is no longer here. In his honor, I will work on that every day. There isnt a day or a moment in the day, I dont think about you Sunil.. Its not fair. Like many others have said in this site. "Y is it the good ones are the ones to go.." I dont know what the reason is but I hope you can send us a sign letting us know y.. Love and Miss you dearly..

Patricia

I just can't accept this, I don't think I ever will....come back to us Sunil, I long to see your face just once more, hear your laughter for a second...not sure if I ever will accept this...not sure how to.

Sunil Chachen, thanks so much for the great impact you had in my life. You were one of the greatest role models that I could have ever looked up to and i will never forget you, you will always have a special place in my heart. Without you in my life, i would have been a totally different person. You are the one that taught me the importance of trying hard in school and i will never forget those wonderful conversations where you took time out of your day to talk to us. I loved it when you would call and talk to both me and my brother individually and discuss our lives. Those were great memories and I will never forget your love and concern for us and your great pieces of advice. Sunil chachen I loved you like a big brother and I will never forget you in my life. Your warmth and sincerity could always be felt and I regret not being able to spend more time with you because you were one of my greatest role models. I thank god so much for giving me and my brother that one week during Christmas to spend with you, Nissie Chechi, and Shinu Chachen. Those memories of you are still in my heart and I will cherish those wonderful moments that god blessed us with. I have so many other great memories of you Sunil Chachen along with that winter, and these are the things that will help me get through this time of sadness. Just looking back and remembering those great times with you, your great laugh, warming love, and gentle kindness, makes me happy and comforts me when I think about having to lose you so soon.

i miss u soo much man... i try to do my best to be strong for the sake of your family... but sumtimes, when i look at your pics and see that smile... i can't help but sob... i wish i could wake up from this horrible dream....

Happy Easter Buddy!!! Just woke up..about to get ready for Church.

I take solace in the fact that our Lord rose up on the 3rd day. I know you are being raised up and taken to your new home. Look out for all of us...because we need it now more than ever.

Happy Easter Sunila...I miss you more than ever! It's odd...there are so many times throughout the day when I think "I can't wait to tell Sunil about what happened today!"...and then I remember. I just love you...is all. I wish you could come back to us with all of my heart - but I also wish even MORE that you are at peace wherever you are.

Happy Easter my friend....I went to church today for the first time in a while...I will figure out whether or not I find comfort there...I'm not quite sure yet...miss you my friend...miss you so much

Church just wasn't the same today....

I thought alot of you on Good Friday. Broke down many times, sometimes uncontrollably. I know you're probably saying to stop acting like a baby, but I'm sorry. Today on Easter everyone was wishing me Happy Easter, but I could not return the well wishes.

I hope that you are well and will visit us all soon, especially your mom and Josh.

Hey man,

Sorry I haven't written in a while. It's been kind of hard to put my feelings into words. It's been 1 month since your passing and I still can't come to grips with it. I am still running through that whole day in my head and it's making me go crazy Sunil. I don't know what do.

This weekend has been especially tough. I went to church on Saturday, first time in my life I ever been between Good Friday and Easter. I have been trying to stay strong but the littlest things have been causing me to break down.

I am going to SF on Tuesday. You were suppose to come on this trip with me for my birthday. I can't accept you will not be there.

Everytime I visit the cemetary I play this track from Styles P on repeat. I hope you can hear it:

There's my brother
I could cry, for the fact I can't hug him no more
But my tears go to heaven and I know the nigga feel me
And the good thing is he aint got to worry no more

I said there's my brother

Wow...I can't believe I sit here and write on 1 month from the day our lives changed forever.

Sunil...my friend...my best friend...your heart and words and laugh and smile are missed more than you could possibly imagine.

I wonder if you know just how many lives you have changed. I wonder if you can see how much good and support and togetherness have been exemplified in the last month. I wonder where you are...and if you are among us today...

I just miss ya. Everything. Your voice the most. That is really the hardest part. Thanks to these pictures and words the memories are alive and well. And the videos help. But I miss your voice. It got me through so many tough times. I only hope I helped you through 1/100 of what you did for me. I would give anything to hear it again. To have it speak to me and tell me that it was going to be ok....funny that YOU are what I most need YOU for....I love you more than you can ever have known. I promise to honor you as best I can. I miss you my friend

Happy Easter my friend! For the first time in my whole life we had to spend easter at church without you there....it wasnt a good feeling.....all of us boys miss you terribly....what I would do to just see you one more time....you are always on my mind...LOVE you Sunil

The pain is still there, but the best is yet to come.....

But I would not have you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning them which are asleep, that ye sorrow not, even as others which have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so them also which sleep in Jesus will God bring with him. For this we say unto you by the word of the Lord, that we which are alive [and] remain unto the coming of the Lord shall not prevent them which are asleep. For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God and the dead in Christ shall rise first Then we which are alive [and] remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air and so shall we ever be with the Lord. Wherefore comfort one another with these words.
1 Thessalonians 4:13-18

People keep telling me they see you and I am jealous. Where are you? I am trying to find you in places I haven't been to in a long time. Sometimes I think I sense your presence or hear your voice in my head but I think I'm imagining it all, a feeble attempt to console my heart. I still can't believe it, I don't think I ever will. I think of you and your silly fare rules every time I get in a cab, everytime I have a piece of Orbitz Mint gum, everytime I drink Malbec and everytime I see a jar of Planters peanuts. It's crazy how I am reminded of you in the sillest things but they make me smile. I miss you and I find myself jumping between shock and heartache. I want to believe that you are in heaven but my lack of faith won't allow me to. I try to say prayers for you but I can't bring myself to pray. I wish I had the steadfast faith that I see in others. I only hope you are in a good place and that you are happy.

It's been a month and it seems like i talked to you yesterday.. We miss you tons. I've been keeping up on my 24. Your boy Jack is kicking a$$ as usual. You'd be happy to know he signed a 3 year deal for ridiculous money. I'll let you know how the season turns out, but it's great so far. We're being strong for you. I'm so proud to be part of this crew.. this crew that misses our brother dearly. Luv ya buddy...

so the mets are at their best start in franchise history, at 10-2. coincidence????

~First of the Gang to Die~

You have never been in love,
Until you've seen the stars,
reflect in the resevoirs

We are the pretty petty thieves,
And you're standing on our street..

...where Hector was the first of the gang
with a gun in his hand
and the first to do time
the first of the gang to die. Oh my.
Hector was the first of the gang
with a gun in his hand
and the first to do time
the first of the gang to die. Oh my.

We are the pretty petty thieves,
And you're standing on our street..

...where Hector was the first of the gang
with a gun in his hand
and the first to do time
the first of the gang to die. Such a silly boy.
Hector was the first of the gang
with a gun in his hand
and a bullet in his gullet
and the first lost lad to go under the sod.

And he stole from the rich and the poor
and the not-very-rich and the very poor
and he stole all hearts away
he stole all hearts away
he stole all hearts away
he stole all hearts away

~ Morrissey

I love you very much. Today was a hard day...one of those days where I needed your strength & laughter. I saw a shooting star tonight...I think it was just for you.

Every memory of walking out the front door
I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

I miss that town
I miss the faces
You can't erase
You can't replace it
I miss it now
I can't believe it

So hard to stay
Too hard to leave it

If I could I relive those days
I know the one thing that would never change

Every memory of looking out the back door
I had the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

Every memory of walking out the front door
I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

Look at this photograph
Everytime I do it makes me laugh

Dearest Sunil:
It was hard being in the balcony on Easter Sunday.I kept looking at the top of the stairs hoping you would just come up and I would see you at the doorway. The girl standing near it must have thought I was looking at her.She probably thought I was a #@*$@.You know how people are.

There were so many little ones up there. I am sure you saw.It was hard paying atttention with them running around. Including my own, Maya and the ever defiant,Nadia. What brought me back was your father's beautiful voice. It was so nice to hear him sing.It was so comforting and resounding.Also to have Achen back conducting Easter service.The Rock of our church.It wouldn't be Easter without him. I am sure you had something to do with it. I was happy to see your Mother there.She and your father are amazing.

The Holy Weekend was tough. I kept thinking about everyone we have lost in our church. I was praying for all of them but you and Dad were foremost in my prayers.

I was looking the photos today. You were such a cute baby. Of course you that....

Talk to you soon.

Hey sunil,
Enjoyed the Happiest Easter ever? You were in our thoughts so much during this Holy Week. I dont think there is one mother who didnt think of u on Good Friday. Baby uncle,the "rock" was there, led all the songs, and once again saved those beautiful songs from great catastrophes by us, the congregation. It was so comforting to see him there. He broke down when he read about abraham sacrificing isaac, and so did we. I was praying that God gives him the strength to read it all...and ofcourse he did.
We were so happy to see both your parents on easter sunday,they truly are amazing people like sindu said.
Did u get to taste some of that pessaha appam i gave to ur dad? I'm sure you did. You know, even though i still can't get over the awful truth, even though i keep thinking like many others that as soon as i wake up it will all be over, i get a sense that you are soooo happy where you are right now. Im my mind, you are at the highest point of happiness. And that just reminds me even more of how ALIVE you really are sunil, even though we cant see you or hear you(which is what hurts). So sometimes to me it almost feels like death is not really death at all. It's like a passport that God created to allow us to get to eternity. For now, this view only eases the pain very minimally.

Hey cuz, Today was a big day in my life and I thank you sooo much for giving me the strength to deal with all this.Everyday I pray to God to allow me to deal with this, at the same time, I'm praying to you to show me the right way and I feel like I did. Even though you are not right next to me, I know you are here wherever and whenever we feel down. Did I tell you I experienced the most amazing thing happened yesterday? The time I was upset and thought nothing could make it better a little girl showed up next to me without saying one word and by one look into her eyes,I smiled. I seriously believe it was an angel God had sent to me to tell me that everything was going to be okay or maybe you were that angel that God sent in a form of a little girl.:) Whatever it was, I thank God and you for being there for me through this rough time and I know the only reason I am holdin up is because you both are my strength. Thank you. I love you Sunil and I miss you soo much..:(

Sup dude...it's almost 80 degrees outside...perfect weather for walking around the city and doing what we do best...don't even need to tell ya...

Besides you not being here, other things are starting to get back to normal...like the Yanks winning on strong pitching..and the Mets losing 2 out of 3 to the Braves...haha..come on man, it wouldn't be us if i wasn't making fun of that...We actually went to the Mets game though on Tuesday. Your boss gave us his tickets. Those are some amazing seats. Never sat that close to the field before...besides a spring training game...you would have loved it. Shin, Nisse, Mano and I had a really good time. We were devising plans on how to protect Nisse and the baby in case a baseball came screaming towards us. Don't worry the 3 of us had all sides covered just in case.

Work is going as usual. You will be happy to know that I got what I wanted...But why do I feel like Adrian Beltre now? haha

Easter was OK. Think everybody summarized it pretty well for you. The whole week was tough. Holy Saturday was esp. rough for me, but as usual your Dad was there to pick me up. But you know that already right?

We are trying to keep the jokes at a high level in the email circle, but it's not the same. Poor Viji is playing like Pippen in '94...He is def. missing his Jordan...Binu has resorted to making fun of me...We miss ya like crazy buddy...

I miss you like crazy...when you talk to somebody virtually every day for over 20 years..and now there is no communication...it's a bitch!

Peace out brother...talk to ya tonight..

I was one of the fortunate ones who got to experience your warmth and charm. The last time I saw you, you were singing La Bamba in Sej/Leen’s apartment, and of course bragging about your skills. Your contagious laughter and thirst for life inspire me. I miss you, and wish so much that you were still with us. But, I’m finding comfort in knowing that where ever you are, you are laughing and singing….la la la la bamba!

hey buddy...haven't written anything in a while...was in church on sat...couldn't stop crying when i was thinking about you...sometimes i wonder how your father can stand up there so strong...he's a true inspiration to all of us...but you already know that...

hope you get the new mets network up there...its a pretty pathetic network w/ guys named kenny choi working the studio...KENNY CHOI? How did he get in there...they do have good announcers though...mets look pretty good..

i remember the last time i talked to you, was one week b-4 that terrible day...i kept telling you that the mets better do something this year...it looks good so far...i'm actually rooting for them to win...unless of course they play the yanks in the series...

take care buddy...

I am not one of those fortunate ones who got to meet Sunil here on Earth. Thou I vaguely remember meeting him at my hubby's cousin's engagement & wedding.

Sunil, Probably you have been watching me checking your friendster profile. It says the user hasn't logged in more than 3 weeks. Under "About me" I checked out the link: http://users.drew.edu/~jlenz/prolog.html, it is the prologue to Bertrand Russell's Autobiography. The last line reads "This has been my life. I have found it worth living, and would gladly live it again if the chance were offered me."...
I don't know what else to write...but ever since my cousin forwarded this link I'm a frequent visitor/reader/observer. Your family and friends are always in my prayers.

u had good styles

yo sunil

Hey Sun,

Tomorrow is your 40th and I find I can think of nothing else. I can't believe it has been 40 days and you will begin your journey to your final resting place. I keep waiting for you to come home. I keep waiting for you to rat me or Shin out to Mommy for something we did. I keep waiting for you to help Shin put some baby furniture item together and for the two of you to make a mess of it. I just keep waiting...

I was holding your picture-prayer card in my hand last night as I was praying and the whole time I was wondering, "Why is Sunil's picture laminated? Why is it under my pillow? What is going on?" I was so confused. It hasn't hit me yet that this is real. It hasn't hit me yet that this is FOREVER.

The baby will be here soon. I keep thinking of how excited you were. Shin bought you a bib that says “I love my Uncle”. How will this baby ever know how amazing you were? I was telling Bindu that I picture you in my head holding the baby. How I can close my eyes and see you with the baby in the palm of your hand. Sometimes, you are wearing a yellow dish glove to protect yourself from the theetum. But mostly, you are staring at him with love. I would give anything just to see that once. Just once.

I miss you. This has been the worst 40 days of my entire life.

With love,
Chechi

You made me pick this one sunil:

A LETTER FROM HEAVEN

To my dearest family, some things I'd like to say...
But first of all to let you know that i arrived okay.
I'm writing this from Heaven.
Here I dwell with God above.
Here, there's no more tears of sadness; here is just eternal love.
Please do not be unhappy just because i am out of sight.
Remember that i am with you,
every morning, noon, and night.

That day i had to leave you when my life on earth was through, God picked me up and hugged me and He said, "I welcome you...
It's good to have you back again, you were missed while you were gone.
As for your dearest family...They'll be here later on.
There's so much that we have to do to help our mortal man."

God gave me a list of things that he wished for me to do.
And foremost on the list, was to watch and care for you.
And when you lie in bed at night, the day's chores put to flight,
God and I are closest to you...in the middle of the night.

When you think of my life on earth, and all those loving years,
Because you are only human, they are bound to bring you tears.

But do not be afraid to cry; it does relieve the pain.
Remember, there would be no flowers unless there was some rain.
I wish that i could tell you all that God has planned.
But if i were to tell you, you wouldn't understand.
Yet one thing is for certain:
though my life on earth is over, I am closer to you now more than i was ever.

There are many rocky roads ahead of you and many hills to climb;
But together we can do it by taking one day at a time.

It was always my philosophy, and I'd like it for you too;
That as you give unto the world, the world will give to you.
If you can help somebody in sorrow and pain,
then you can say to God at night..."My day was not in vain."
And now I am contented...that my life was worthwhile.
Knowing as I passed along the way, I made somebody smile.

So if you meet somebody who is sad and feeling low,
Just lend a hand to pick him up, as on your way you go.
When you're walking down the street, and you've got me on your mind, I'm walking in your footsteps only half a step behind.

And when it's time for you to go...from that body to be free,
Remember, you're NOT going...
You're coming here to me.

-Richard Mahaffey-

I waited patiently for the Lord
He inclined and heard my cry
He brought me up out of the pit
Out of the miry clay

I will sing, sing a new song
I will sing, sing a new song

How long to sing this song?
How long to sing this song?
How long...how long...how long...
How long...to sing this song

He set my feet upon a rock
And made my footsteps firm
Many will see
Many will see and fear

I will sing, sing a new song
I will sing, sing a new song
I will sing, sing a new song
I will sing, sing a new song

How long to sing this song?
How long to sing this song?
How long...how long...how long...til we see you again.....

U2 - "40"

"When Tomorrow Starts Without Me"

When tomorrow starts without me,
And I'm not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
all filled with tears for me,

I wish so much you wouldn't cry
The way you did today,
While thinking of the many things,
We didn't get to say.

I know how much you love me,
As much as I love you,
and each time that you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too.

But when tomorrow starts without me,
Please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name,
And took me by the hand,
and said my place was ready,
In heaven far above,
And that I'd have to leave behind
All those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away,
A tear fell from my eye
For all my life, I'd always thought,
I didn't want to die.

I had so much to live for,
So much left yet to do,
It seemed almost impossible,
That I was leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays
The good ones and the bad,
I thought of all the love we shared,
and all the fun we had

If I could re-live yesterday
Just even for a while,
I'd say good-bye and kiss you
And maybe see you smile.

But then I fully realized,
That this could never be,
For emptiness and memories,
would take the place of me.

And when I thought of worldly things,
I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did,
My heart was filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through heaven's gates,
I felt so much at home
When God looked down and smiled at me,
From His great golden throne.

He said, "This is eternity,
And all I've promised you."
Today your life on earth is past,
But here life starts anew

I promise no tomorrow,
But today will always last,
And since each day's the same way
There's no longing for the past.

You have been so faithful,
So trusting and so true.
Though there were times
You did some things
You knew you shouldn't do.

But you have been forgiven
And now at last you're free.
So won't you come and take my hand
And share my life with me?

So when tomorrow starts without me,
Don't think we're far apart,
For every time you think of me,
I'm right here, in your heart.

I was walking in the Mission tonight, and for some reason - two quotes had been painted onto the sidewalk in black & blue. The first one said "Your existing gives me hope." The second one said "I could not love you any more."

What more can I say? I cannot believe tomorrow is your 40th day...I cannot believe you are somewhere else, that is not HERE. I cannot believe in much anymore. Some day, I hope to make peace with all of this. Until then, I hope you have found enough peace for yourself, for me, and for all of us. I miss you so much Sunil. I wish I could be stronger than this.

Whatever life may bring your way
Each hour of every passing day,
Throughout the months and long years too,
The Lord in heaven will care for you.

But the 40th day was different. With His disciples looking on, He slowly ascended into the sky until a cloud hid Him from view (Acts 1:9)

The day has arrived. My boy moves into his new home today.

Hey Sunil, I think this is your first move in a long time that I won't be driving a U-Haul truck, or carrying 678 Shoprite plastic bags full of antihistamines and clothes. Or searching for random screws and bolts that are supposedly used to put that crazy "china town" bed together. You still owe Jinoy and I two orders of chicken wings for the John St. to 53rd Street move. Don't think we forgot about that!!!

I know you are making a different type of move. But I will be there praying, laughing, crying, and hoping you are moving into that wonderful place. I hope you are moving into a nice place with a clear view of all of us. Did ya get into a new construction? Save a nice 3-bedroom place for me next door. Actually, not next door. Get me a place across the street, so it will be just like it was down here.

Still miss you like crazy man. 3/17/06 - 2:59pm will forever be the worst moment of my life. The pain is still the same as it was. However, the thought of you being up there in a wonderful place brings me peace and comfort.

Enjoy your day my friend, because I am!

To My Dearest Little Brother,

I’m sorry for taking so long to write but what can I possibly say except for, what the hell is going on? I still can’t come to terms with what has happened in and to our lives these past few weeks. As Nis mentioned, we are waiting for you to walk through the door at any moment and greet us with that great smile and “Nelson-esque” laugh. I can’t believe it has already been 40 days since you were taken away from us. It’s been really hard Sunil and I can’t even express it in words. You are truly and greatly missed!!! Your pavum Chechi is really torn but can’t express her true feelings because of the baby she is carrying in her. She is trying her best to keep it together, at least for the baby’s sake and for us. Your Mom and Dad are trying their best to keep their heads up but it is too tough at times. We worry so much about them and feel horrible when we are not able to be around them all the time. The only thing we really have to look forward to now is the baby. We hope that this will bring us some light in the darkness that we are in. You are our baby’s guardian angel now and he will look up to you when he needs the help that we can’t offer him.

There are so many great memories and moments that we as a family had together that can never be forgotten. From you always trying to rat us out to Mom whenever we were all home together or for some reason, always trying to compete with me when it came to who was the favorite son to Mom, whether it was based on what she bought us (which was usually the exact same clothes in the exact same color, that made going to the same events difficult when we wanted to wear the same thing), feed us, talked about the most…. I hope you always knew that I was never trying to take that away from you, because you were and will always be the favorite one. All I ever wanted was to be a part of this family in any way I could and that became apparent as soon as I married your sister. Actually, that is not true. It actually started when we began dating in college. The love that is in this family is so abundant and overflowing, that a loss so tragic like this is really too hard to recover from. If we weren’t expecting a baby now, who knows what state we would have all been in?

I would like to share one really funny memory I have of you, Sunil, when we were together one time in Harriman. As the brothers in the family, it was always our responsibility to take care of the major cleaning, moving, and building of stuff over the years in the house. Whether it be mowing the lawn, putting up drapes for Mom, cleaning and rearranging the basement, putting in the a/c(taking it out was all Sunil’s idea mind you, he he), moving Mom’s forest of plants in and out the house twice a year, putting together the TV stand, and yes the infamous computer chair in the basement. For some reason, whenever it came to doing things around the house, he would always want to do it when it was a good time for him or when he was ready but I, on the other hand, would want to do it as soon as possible just to get it done and over with it. Well, it turns out for once that Sunil was ready to work before I was ready to help. If any of you ever built anything with Sunil before, you would know that it is very tedious, very by the book, and most hysterically adventurous. His was in the basement by himself one weekend and decided to go ahead and build the computer chair that we all bought for dad by himself. As we all know, you really don’t need to be a genius to put a chair together even though ironically, Sunil was a genius. So later that night, I come down to the basement and to my surprise, it is done and he is already sitting on it, twirling around, smiling, and surfing the net all at the same time. Me, being the big brother, acknowledged the good job he had done and even sat on it to make sure it was okay. I told him that the chair felt a bit hard and not quite right, but he insisted it was some new posture-pedic chair to help the back out and that was how it was supposed to feel. I guess I was so shocked that he had finished it himself that I didn’t really want to further question his work or even pay attention to the details of the chair. I remember him boasting to Dad and I indeed gave him his credit and said he did it all by himself. I believe it was the next morning when dad, as usual, gets on the computer that I hear “Sunoo, Sunoo, come downstairs, ippum va.” I am not sure where Sunil went so I went down instead. When I reach the basement, Dad starts to ask what happened, why is the back of the chair so hard. This time I take a closer look and start hysterically laughing. Our dear, dear Sunil had put on the backside of the chair the other way around. Meaning the back of the chair was in the front, and the front of the chair was in the back. Ha, ha, what a sight it was to see. From that day on, I would never let him forget that. This is the kind of stuff we will miss about you bro. The kookiness, like Nis says, your cynical good humor, your ability to communicate with others, even those you really don’t know, at such a comforting level, and your brilliant mind, that you used to tease each and every one of us with.

There are reasons for everything in this world we live in, but I will never understand why you are gone or figure it out until that one-day when we meet again. One thing you always used to tell and preach to me was family is family and that is all that really matters when it comes down to it in the end. And you are right; family is all we will always have. This is a phrase or statement that you always mentioned to me, and I especially remember it this one night in PA in back of Saji’s parents house sitting on the benches on the baseball field at night, drinking cans of Yeunling’s. I will promise to do my best to uphold your views of family for the rest of my life. I’ll also make sure my son will know what a great uncle he missed having in his life. Hopefully, he will have some of your great qualities to help us all move on with our lives. Your friends, your family, your Dad, your Mom, your Chechi, and your big brother’s lives will never be the same without you kid! May God bless you and give you all the comfort you need to ease the pain in your heart as well as ours……..

Sherri, pinay khanum……….

"I've never been at a point in life where I think, I'm okay -- then I just look at a picture and it brings tears," says a 26-year-old musician. "I am capable of crying at any moment, I'm so close to the threshold of sadness, on the edge all the time."

-a quote from an article in New York Magazine called "The Crash After The Crash" that was published 10/15/2001.

It's how I've been feeling for a long time now. When will this go away?

My dearest friend Sunil

It's been 40 days since any of us saw your energetic smile. All we have now is just stills. We will look at these still moments in time over and over again and try to recount every second of that day, reliving our life with you - but its not enough. I keep coming back to this site everyday hoping there is more of you that I can cherish - but in the end its not enough. I will cry when I think to the times that we have yet to experience and laugh at the times we had experienced – but the laughter ended to early. Your presence in my journey through life was not about sadness but about joy and laughter, so I try to hold back the tears when I think about you - but it is hard. The questions that run through my mind about this ordeal will probably never be answered until we hang out again. I hope you are out there continuing to explore and discover what WE can only imagine. You can fill me in when we meet again.

Hey its Tuesday, if Marley is around tell him to strum up some Redemption Song, just like the Tuesdays of the past when we used to close out Res to it.

So today was the day was it? The day you moved into your new home? Ironic that despite the bleak weather report, the day was beautiful...until about 3 pm, when a chill entered the air, and the sun started hiding behind clouds...not until reading Prasanth (aren't you proud sunil, I said Prasanth, not Jake! :)), not until his post did I make the connection that at the point in the day where the weather began to change today was the time you were taken from us.

It is more complex now. 40 days later, it is more confusing than ever. The impact and shock has become less searing, and now it is a subtle shock...we have been forced to resume the lives we lived with you here...we know that is what you want us to do, but it is constant disbelief that most of us walk around with...we are reminded of all the time...

I'm not sure what other words I have right now. All that seems to come are tears. I know I'm supposed to find comfort here, comfort today. I know we didn't share identical beliefs, but we did both believe in God...and in my heart I know you are with him, and you are happy and must be so busy watching out for all of us...I'm not sure I feel comfort today though...I just feel sad. and I miss you so.

It struck me that in all the sadness...that I haven't said thank you. I know I don't need to write it here for you to hear it, but I have so much to thank you for. For making me believe in me, for teaching me so much, for never making me feel inferior, for never judging....for all of our endless conversations. For ALWAYS being there when I needed you. ALWAYS. not even a blink. For your hugs, and comfort, when I could go to no one else. For having time for me and still at the same time having time to touch the lives of the thousands that you obviously did. For blessing me with some amazing new friends. For 10 years..if only there could have been more...i love you sunil...we love you...can't wait to see you again...

"Crap, as of now, 63 days and 6 hours to go.... when it gets closer, i will start counting the minutes...." -Sunil Varghese

This was Sunil's response to Viju's evite for the party that was suppose to take place this weekend...the last time I spoke to Sunil we were discussing what we were going to wear to this infamous Black and White Party hosting by V-diddy...
Did it ever dawn upon me that day, while he was joking around, as usual, to what his out of line attire would be, or how much fun this weekend was suppose to be....that that same weekend he was refering to-will forever be implanted in our minds- his own 40th day remembrance service....
Did it ever dawn upon us, that while he was counting down the days to the party, about a week later we start counting down the days to his 40th?
Did it ever dawn upon me in those last few words we exchanged that those would be the last conversation that I would ever have with him while he was still with us on Earth?
I guess if any of this did dawn upon me...then I would be able to accept this just a little, but it didn't and I still can't accept it....

The past 40 days went by so fast but yet life has stood still in most aspects.
This is all still so surreal to me...I still can't grasp the fact that we will never see you again...

63 days ago, Sunil was counting down to have fun with all of us this weekend....
And here we are now counting the days and the minutes for your Memorial Service this weekend to bid our dear friend Sunil our last fairwell as you enter your new home with God....

I was thinking about you today and was reading the new postings on your site, what has become a daily ritual for the past few weeks. I decided to open the bible, which I haven't done in a long time, and I opened it up to this quote:
“Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.” Matthew 7:13
It was truly a comfort to me to know that you have entered heaven through this narrow gate. Please guide us all to this gate and remember us in your prayers. You have blessed so many lives in your short time on this earth. We all aspire to live as you did. I will continue to pray for your family and all those who are trying to gain back their strength and hope. Thank you for showing me what a true follower of Jesus Christ should be like. Missing you....

I don't know what to say. It's hard to put all these feelings into words. I guess " We miss you " would cover it. When we go to church, I think everyone thinks of you. When we hear a song, feel a breeze, hear a good joke, we just think of you. Because you were all that is good.

We miss you!

test